Down the Well of Darkness

I've been sliding through life in a gray zone for many months. It's a sticky kind of slide, though. It stops me in my tracks whenever I get some kind of momentum going in my thoughts or actions. Then I fizzle out and the numbness becomes the gray.


I asked for help from a professional who had connections. She pulled her strings and got me in to see a very important man who used the opportunity to have one of his students take her exam by having her do the interview. I accepted that. After all, his expertise and knowledge would be present observing both of us. 


I guess I appear too normal when I'm gray. My flatness indicated to him that I was stable and didn't need any help. He didn't tell me that himself. I only learned later.

I've lived long enough to know what comes next, and here it is born upon me again. It starts with diffuse dreams of sadness that prevent a full night's sleep. I awaken so early that I ask myself, "What are you doing up?" Before the realization hits me, I feel it in my body. I don't need my rational mind to tell me. There it is, that unrelenting greif that has no reality. 


When they speak of anguish, I think of some poor woman who's husband and child have tragically died. When she learns of it she feels her body turn inside out. That's what I feel, even though my loved ones are healthy and safe and all is well. Yet that inner twistedness wrings me out. It's a wet rag clotting my throat, squeezing out the moisture on the edge of my lashes with no release. If I don't guard my soul like a warrior, I would be on the floor curled, lifeless and dark.


I've learned to ride it out, just like the flat gray numbness. But, it's now flat. It sinks down. And so I hang on to the rope hung over the well of greatness about to swallow me up. Is it my grip on that rope giving me those sensations of ants crawling on my face? Or is it just my face reaching for the sunlight peeping lightly in the high distance? 


I know where this leads. I've been on this journey before, too many times. I want out. But, the slimy walls are lumpy and hard, too straight up to give me impetus to climb. I cannot let go of the rope. I must hang on.


I seek an appointment with the new family doctor. Only one intake behind us, will she believe the desperation I cannot explain? She does, but hesitates. Blood tests must be done first. I must hold on a little longer.

Reflections on Moodiness

It starts with a feeling of numbness. The world is flat and so am I, like in a cartoon. Flat and gray. Even my energy is flat. I cannot conjure up more than a smile when others laugh at something funny. 


I ride along like that, sometimes weeks, sometimes months. But, I always know what comes next. I wait it out, hoping I can pick myself up, hoping it will go away, hoping the sun will break through the fog clouding my brain. 


Occasionally it does clear up and I can feel okay. Sometimes my okay gets to be more than okay and I feel great. In fact I feel wonderful. I can do anything when I feel like that. Yes! The world is round, full and three dimensional. Though, I would most likely tell you at those times, there are more than seven dimensions. That's how my mania goes. 


It also goes a bit sour, too. I get agitated and irritable. I don't bite people's heads off, but I certainly have been known to go for the jugular. I hate myself then. It's a big let down after having been so inflated with my own self adoration and that of others. I've never been able to figure out how I become so popular during those times. I'm still the same person. How did the mania magnetize me?


I've been fortunate that my mania is the "hypo" kind, a low grade sort. Still, today I would trade my present mood for some of the happiness I feel when I'm in that riding high kind of mania I've experienced. 


It's been a while since I've been there creating art, writing stories and poems, doing genealogy, sight seeing, using my camera to catch the nuances of light on color. I miss that part of me. She's so articulate and clever and fully enjoys life.

Oh My Darling

Sitting there reading I feel her eyes staring at me.  Did she bore a hole into my brain the last ten minutes to impress my mind to think of her just then? Or, did she break her reverie the same moment I did? I smile. She winks. I wink back. She winks again. We play this game a lot. Closing both eyes, she stretches her lithe body, and yawns, giving the impression she is bored with me. At the last second she re-opens them to see if I’m still enchanted. Then, petulantly, she sticks her tongue out. I make a similar face. She gets up, comes over to me and sits contentedly in my lap. She’s so enticing! I caress her. I’m so privileged, she chose  to spend her life with me.


Some may think she is ordinary, but to me, she’s beautiful. Yes, she is on the puny side, but, courageous, even tough. Her under-slung jaw gives an exotic pouty look, but can never hide her Mona Lisa smile. Some genetic quirk inherited from her mother, gives her a flat nose. No elegant proboscis, that! Yet, her sea-green eyes. Ah! They hypnotize! The quiver ‘neath my hand when I caress her, I know just where to touch to give her pleasure. What a gratifying responsive creature she is. I can’t keep my hands off her. Which may explain her temperamental behaviour. She’s so independent. She only permits me to touch her when she wants it. Doesn’t matter what I want. If she’s not in the mood, forget it! She’ll reach out and smack my hand. Some of my friends think she’s cruel and I should put her in her place.


I can’t complain though. When I really need her, when I’m sick, she never leaves my side. A devoted nurse; I swear, her very presence is healing! Sometimes I stop breathing momentarily. Apnea, they call it. She gives me a gentle nudge until I awaken, airless, gratefully gasping for breath. I hug her to me and thank her once again for being there to watch out for me. She doesn’t hog the bed or steal the covers from me. If I have a rough night, tossing and turning she’ll get up and go sleep somewhere else, so I can have the bed to myself.


She adores my singing voice and stops whatever she is doing to run to me. Especially if I whistle, her favorite song, “Oh, My Darling, Clementine”. Whenever I go out, she is content to stay at home and waits for me ‘til all hours without complaint. No matter what time it is, she’s right there at the door to warmly greet me. Now, That's devotion! 


However, she sometimes does insist on going with me. At first, it was a little awkward, but now I’ve grown used to it. As I’m ready to go out the door, she sneaks up behind me and jumps on my shoulder. She maintains her balance while I lock up, proceed down the stairs and out the door, through the parking lot, to get into my car. Other times I just have to head her off before she makes the leap. She understands when I tell her. “Not this time, My Darling. Then, she’ll growl and grumble at me, but, she won’t really be angry.


This beguiling female is my cat.

Written 1991 about Keli Clementine 

Remembrance Quilt

The big black garbage bag, shiny and ominous sat in the middle of my living room floor. I looked at my best friend, despair emanating from eyes; a little moist and red, a little blank, a little begging for release.  I was surprised at the immensity of the job before me. How had the simple offer of help turn into this big black lump of death's leftovers? I started toward the bag, and Shirley put her hand up. "No, not yet!"


I stood there on the brink of suspense, waiting for her next move. She walked into the kitchen, turned her back, and said, "Okay, now!"

I felt so bad for her. How would I feel if my son had walked into a train? I wouldn't be as brave as Shirley, fetching his clothing from his closet a thousand miles away while his wife stood by weeping. I thought I should never have made the offer of a "remembrance quilt". It was obviously too soon. But, she told me Marissa was getting rid of her son's belongings, had called the Goodwill to haul them away, even his racing bike, they found at the top of the canyon where he had climbed down to put himself on the track at the most convenient time. I had mentioned making the quilt without thinking there would be an urgency about it. Long after my Grandfather died, I'd made one of his shirts, blue and white, a simple patchwork, a comforting summer quilt, that lost it's way after his wife died. I often wondered who slept under it not knowing the story beneath my hand stitching.


As I opened the bag, I began pulling out the jumble of men's suits and ties, winter sweaters, and jackets. This was going to be challenging, and depressing to say the least. How could I make a sweet remembrance for my best friend out of all these dark colors, this heavy fabric that would suppress her to lie beneath?


Eventually, Shirley slowly entered the living room and sat down on the sofa, dragging the bag over to her. We folded the clothes in silence. As the bag emptied, I was so relieved to discover summer khakis, many different colored shorts, light weight hawaiian print shirts. I was so grateful I could have kissed Wayne's ghost. Then Shirley spoke, "I discovered these in the back of the armoir, hidden in shoe boxes. I didn't understand why he would go to such trouble to hide them away, until the police came to the door. They had found his suicide note. He killed himself because he was troubled about his feelings toward other men and long term knowledge that he was bi-sexual. I couldn't believe it. Wayne has never shown any signs. Marissa and he always seemed so compatible. But, he wrote that he couldn't pretend anymore to be a good Christian. They belonged to that strict church, you know. They never would have approved of these short sleeve shirts, these bright colors. He said he couldn't live with himself, had been planning this a long time."


I swallowed. I couldn't think of anything to say, nothing that would comfort her, nothing that would make any sense, nothing that would undo the damage on top of the pain she already suffered learning her son was dead, committing suicide in a most gruesome way, leaving his body unrecognizable. And now knowing how tortured he had been, not just depressed but living his own kind of private hell.


"If only I would have known. If only he would have told me. He knows I am open minded. Maybe I could have helped him. Maybe I could have... " But, I could see her shaking her head back and forth in realization that there was nothing she could do.

Just for Laughs

The very talented Bobby McFerrin and the Wizard of OZ



The intro is a mild build up.

Have fun!

Need I Say More, My Love?

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Old Crone

She stood in the copse of trees breathing in the cedar, wishing for a place to have a flame. Turning, turning to touch the branches, tilting her head back to see the circle of exposed sky. She waited. Not yet. Not yet.

She sat upon the earth drawing circles in the dirt reaching her mind deep down to the bedrock and watched the moon rise over the rooftops. Maybe now.

Standing, her melody rose from her throat in muted tones, only meant for the cedars, to bless them, to thank them for their existence, to ask them to communicate through their roots across the miles of soil until the connection with her willow was created. She waited, watching her breath curl in the cold air. Then, turning the directions she tilted her head and there it was, her sister, her mother, her lover, her soul... the moon in all it's fullness and splendor.

She extended her fingers to the sky pulling down the light, filling herself with Great Spirit until the moon passed beyond the edge of the cedars. In deepest exhilaration and tranquility, she felt herself shrink a little, as she pulled in the reins of her thoughts like fairies dancing around her head. No, not fairies. Too childlike for her. Just give her some sparkles. She's too serious for she has passed beyond summer now.

That was then. This is now. Now she sits quietly on her sofa imagining the soil, imagining the cedars, imagining the moon, even though they are right outside her door. She's peaceful about it. No need to teach anymore. Others are doing that now. Besides, it takes to much energy now. If only she could find the other ones again and sit among them, or maybe on the outskirts when they dance. She could borrow some energy to be present. She could take some energy home with her to last until the next moon.

She's tired now, wants to rest. Her heart is not in it tonight.

Karen's Story - A Snippet 2

It wasn't until summertime that someone actually made friends with her. It wasn't me, though. I was surprised to learn it was my little sister. One day, I found the two of them, sitting on the ground leaning against the trunk of the old cherry tree eating tomatoes picked fresh from our garden.  An unlikely pair, they looked odd together, Karen, tall, pale and gangly next to my short, rosy faced 8 year old sister. Karen looked more bedraggled than she had throughout the school year, her long bruised legs barely covered now by her too small dress. That same dress I'd always seen her wearing to school.

Karen, shyly kept her eyes averted from me until I asked her how old she was. I was shocked to learn she was a few weeks from her 13th birthday. I was 16 at the time. She seemed so much younger playing games and giggling with my sister.  As the days went by I realized Karen was waiting outside at the edge of our property, probably since dawn, until my sister got up and went outside. So I invited her in and gave her breakfast. She didn't turn me down and thanked me profusely. That girl could put away a lot of food!

Her eyes spoke volumes. I just didn't know how to interpret the message. I thought I knew then why the guarded, sad eyes. Her mother had died and she lived in that shack with her father who left her alone to manage throughout the day as he went to work. No wonder she spent all her time hanging out with my sister. As they ran and played across the woods and pastures, the dogs lolling along with them Karen bloomed and ripened with the apple trees. I liked to think it was the three square meals we provided her every day.

A short time before school was to start in the fall I was up in my room sewing my new clothes. Farm girls did that back then. I heard the girls shreiking in joy and I went to the window to see what was going on. They were jumping up and down and going in circles, Karen holding some dollar bills in her hand. I don't know why it made me suspicious, but I went downstairs and called them in to have lemonade. Karen had the money rolled tightly in her hand as she whispered in my sister's ear and passed it on to her.

"What's going on?" I asked, wondering if the girls had stolen the money from the old man who took care of the chickens and slept in the converted cow shed. Old Jim had been a fixture on the farm since we had moved there and the landlord gave him the right to live there until he died, as he had worked for his family as a farmhand for generations. Old Jim swore like a sailor and drank too much in my opinion. I didn't care for him and steered clear. I knew he had recently recieved his social security check as his friend, Clarence with the old Bathtub Nash, had driven by to pick him up so the two of them could go into town and buy booze.

"Will you sew some clothes for Karen, for school? She has money to buy the fabric."

"And where did this money come from?"

"Old Jim."

I couldn't believe my ears. Not only did they steal the money but they were stupid enough to tell me about it. "You girls go put that money back from where you got it! Or I'm telling Mom!"

My sister, defiant, came to Karen's rescue. "But, she didn't steal it. She earned it. Jim asked her to clean up his place and gave her the money for it."

I was relieved and agreed to sew some new school clothes for Karen. It began to bother me as more money and more requests for new clothes came every few days.

How to Binge on Less Than 300 Calories

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"Do you want to lose weight?"

"No. I've given up caring."

"Then, why did you call about this program?"

"I don't know. Maybe it will rub off on me and I will magically lose weight."

I didn't believe I was a "binge" personality, but I called anyway to ask about the study at Stanford University Medical Center. After a four hour interview with many questions and some testing I was accepted into the study. I begin next Tuesday.

I realize it must be my evening munching on "goodies" that qualified me as a binge eater. I was in denial because if I eat too much, my stomach pays me back with pain and suffering. So, I considered myself to be a "cautious" over eater. In some ways I am still in denial. It's not like I ate huge mounds of food. That's a fallacy that many people believe about those who are overweight. My problem was the high calorie density of the food I call goodies. And it is my lack of aerobic exercise that keeps my weight stable. Overweight but stable while climbing and falling the same ten pounds.

(Why I don't get enough exercise is another story)

Since I had a sudden gain over the holidays, and several days of my stomach getting even, I attempted to keep track of my intake. I threw away my goodies, and decided to just eat my healthier foods. Yet, I've been struggling. Is it habit that I spend my evenings craving food? I feel so hungry, even if I have eaten three meals plus snack per day. Is it that I want to feel that full stomach feeling? Is it a way to bury my stress? Habit... Hunger... bury stress... Maybe all three

I have altered the calorie count of my food choices and now I "binge" on salad. I mean SALAD. I live in a part of the country where salad making ingredients are plentiful all year long. So I have no excuse to not enjoy them.

Here's the recipe for tonight's binge:

272 calories 17 grams protein


1 ½ cup  SPRING MIX BABY LETTUCE - 10 calories, 1 gram protein

1 cup  BABY SPINACH  - 7 calories, 1 gram protein

½ cup chopped CELERY - 7 calories  .35 gram protein

½ cup sliced & peeled ENGLISH CUCUMBER,  - 8 calories  .34 gram protein

½ cup shredded CARROT  - 25 calories .5 gram protein

1 medium, chopped APPLE  - 35 calories  1 gram protein

½ cup TOMATO slices 20 calories 0 gram protein

½ cup  KNUDSEN FAT FREE COTTAGE CHEESE 80 calories - 13 gram protein

2 Tbsp LITEHOUSE YOGURT BLEU CHEESE DRESSING 80 calories 1 gram protein

fresh LEMON JUICE to taste

Please note:

I add water to the dressing so it will cover my salad more evenly and mix in with the cottage cheese.

It takes me about an hour to eat all this.

I'm not advertising the brand name products. They just happen to be what I use. Sure do like that salad dressing, though.

I prefer English Cucumbers because they taste better, keep their freshness longer and my tummy likes them better.

This is what Wikipedia has to say about English Cucumbers:
English cucumbers can grow as long as 2 feet. They are nearly seedless, have a delicate skin which is pleasant to eat, and are sometimes marketed as “Burpless”, because the seeds and skin of other varieties of cucumbers are said to give some people gas. Most commonly grown in greenhouses, these parthenocarpic cucumbers are often found in grocery markets shrink-wrapped in plastic.

Karen's Story - A Snippet

Beyond the end of the road, the girl who lived in the apple orchard shack got on the school bus every day wearing the same faded nondescript cotton dress. While climbing the steps, she tightly gripped her schoolbooks.  I wondered if she was afraid of dropping them. Her straggly brown hair hung limp and dirty over her eyes as she kept her head down looking at her dirty finger nails.

She always took the same seat directly behind the driver, stared out the window, and never spoke to others. Not that anyone ever wanted to speak to her anyway, except maybe to pick on her. But, lucky for her, she was more invisible than that. She was considered to be one of those "Cootie" kids.

I was very curious about her; wondered how anybody could be so poor as to not have a change of clothes.

We were poor, too, after the bankruptcy. But, at least my parents got decent clothes for us at the thrift shop and hand-me-downs from friends. We grew our own vegetables and raised chickens and eggs. We weren't bone skinny. I wondered why she was so skinny and most of all, how she could fall asleep on the way home from school on the bus and not wake up in all the noise. Why was she so tired?

Does He Ring Twice?

The postman does NOT ring twice! He smacks the window where the cat sits watching the world go by. Does he dislike cats? Does he just have nothing better to do to entertain himself as he walks from house to house?

My new kitten, Buffy (the Vampire Slayer) was in the window at the time. At least it was her brave little self instead of my nervous Bambi, or shy Spyder, or obese Ninja. They would have freaked out. Buffy simply jumped down. So far, she has not returned to the window ledge.

A friend was visiting at the time. We sat at the table with our coffee (tea for me) as I opened the package the post man had just delivered earlier. Is he tired of delivering the little treasures I keep winning on Ebay?

I was surprised and shocked at the sudden smack on the window. My friend, on the other hand, reacted quickly, jumping up and going out the door to give the postman a piece of his mind. That surprised me too. But, the postman is a fast walker and already two houses further down the street.

No, the post man does not ring twice. He smacks the window and scares the cat!

(Can you tell that I am miffed?)

Quake

January 13, 2011
Hmmm.... Earthquake

Talking to my niece from the midwest, she asked if I was okay. I'm fine. It's like when you have a tornado nearby. It's exciting, gets the adrenaline going. And when it's over with no significant damage to people or property, there is that "whew"!

At least with tornadoes you have some warnings. With quakes, they just happen. Truly, quakes happen here every day. Hundreds of them. But, they are so small you don't feel them.

A 3 point quake, if it is nearby feels a bit like when you are sitting in the car and the wind is blowing. You don't notice it very much at all.

A 4 point, if nearby, gives a little jolt.

A 5 is more like some stupid jokesters are jumping on the back bumper of your car.

A 6 is more like someone jumps on your car and it starts rolling. At this level, some books might fall off shelves, or whatever.

A 7 is when you instinctively run for the door.

An 8 caused severe damage back in 1989 here where I live for about 100 miles all around.

We had a distant cousin who died in it when the upper stories of his apartment fell on him in San Francisco. Others died in that too.

If you have ever watched a program on earthquakes you have probably seen a bridge crack open and car fall into the crack. That happened here in Oakland during that quake. The house I live in right now has been through that quake and it is fine. So, I guess I'll be all right if a bigger one happens.

Earthquake Thoughts

Hmmm.... Earthquake

I felt it!

Talking to my niece from the Midwest, she asked if I was okay. I'm fine. It's like when you have a tornado nearby. It's exciting, gets the adrenaline going. And when it's over, with no significant damage to people or property, there is that "Whew"!

At least with tornadoes you have some warnings. With quakes, they just happen. Truly, quakes happen here every day. Hundreds of them. But, they are so small you don't feel them. 

A 3 point quake, if it is nearby feels a bit like when you are sitting in the car and the wind is blowing. You don't notice it very much at all. 

A 4 point, if nearby, gives a little jolt. 

A 5 is more like some stupid jokesters are jumping on the back bumper of your car. 

A 6 is more like someone jumps on your car and it starts rolling. At this level, some books might fall off shelves, or whatever. 

A 7 is when you instinctively run for the door. Providing the floor meets your feet, you may arrive there. 

An 8 caused severe damage back in 1989 here where I live for about 100 miles all around. They called it the Loma Prieta Earthuake, named for the location on the fault line where it occurred.

We had a distant cousin who died in it when the upper stories of his apartment fell on him in San Francisco.

If you have ever watched a program on earthquakes you have probably seen the one where the bridge cracked open and the car fell into the crack. That happened here in Oakland, CA during that quake. The house I live in right now has been through that quake and it is fine. So, I guess I'll be all right if a bigger one happens.

Doctor Sherlock and the Mystery Solved

Brr! It's quite cold and windy for this time of year, and freezing at night. There is even a wind chill factor! Would you believe it, in mid-coastal California? I guess I shouldn't complain, though. Other parts of the country are still having much more serious weather than here. I've lived in New York state and Indiana. I know what that is like.

I went to see the Neurologist to find out what he would say about the recent occurrence of breakthrough seizures. Lucky for me that I carry little plastic bags of my prescriptions with me. They resemble zip-loc bags, but are smaller and thicker. I get them at the pharmacy, and put my drug labels on them, so I don't have to carry a lot of bottles in my purse. Dr. G (stands for Gorgeous!) went over them all, looking for a correlation between them and the Lamictal which I take for the seizures. He determined it doesn't seem likely that there is an interaction between my meds.

I like it when a physician is willing to play Sherlock Holmes, and try to figure out the mystery of why something is going on with a patient. He could have just played the guessing game and said, "Let's try something else and see if that helps." I can understand why a physician might do that. Sometimes it would be too time consuming. Otherwise, if one has a large practice, perhaps the easier way to challenge a problem on their best guess based upon what they might know. As for me, Dr. Sherlock Gorgeous is the most fascinating challenge, as I really have to think, and respond carefully to the questions he asks. It's really hard to describe the seizures when I am not exactly aware of all that was going on! Some things that I take for granted, he was able to pluck out of my communications, and deduce the probable cause of this latest development.

As soon as Dr. G put two and two together, he pointed out that my insomnia might be the culprit. It clicked with me right away and was so simple! Among other things I have had a life-long pattern of sleep disorder. I wont go into all the boring details. Seizure prone people apparently need their beauty rest! We discussed it and if I can just get myself back into a good sleep pattern, then I wont really need to take any sleep aids, which is my preference. In the meantime, I have a prescription for break through seizures.

Finally! A chance to go for my walk! Since I was nowhere near home, traffic was heavy, and the wind still so cold, I opted for walking in the mall. It is nice and flat in there. I spent nearly an hour walking. Though, I did dawdle a little bit, and at one point I did break down and buy something. I wouldn't mind walking in the mall regularly, but I would have to leave my purse in the car!

A Day of Revelation - Personal Journal

"When the Cat Lady sleeps well and awakens refreshed it is because she sleeps with a cat sitting on her chest, purring in her face! The cat is her instant alarm with whiskers ticking her nose." You may quote me on that.

The preacher man at the holiday party was slimmer than the last time I saw him. I didn't think too much of it when he told those interested that he had done it the "easy" way. All he did was use a free online site where he recorded his daily intake of food. After the holidays I suddenly realized I had quickly, the easy way, gained too many pounds from over-grazing the highly laden table for several days. I was in shock. Had I really nibbled that many calories? How could I be so blind as to not notice. After all, I had gotten sick from the overindulgences. That's more than a subtle hint. But in my mindlessness, I didn't notice until too late.

Yet, the scale does not lie. I called to learn what the site was my Reverend Grandson had referred to. I signed up and have to agree, it is the easy way. There's no pressure, no insistent articles. No ridiculous ads. It is straightforward and useful. As long as I record my daily intake I naturally begin to limit portions and think twice about having seconds. I've also incorporated some exercise. (It's about time!) And spent more time contemplating and meditating.

The results have been mixed. I've lost ten pounds, but have gained back two. There is a place on the site where one can record one's exercise. It provides you with the calories burned for those exercises. Can you believe? You burn calories just sleeping! Hmm. I wonder if it is more if there's a cat on your chest. After all, one must work harder to breathe. RIght?

I went for a walk down by the ocean this morning realizing that I was in a low mood, and discouraged that I am not putting my all into this. The dichotomy is that I am doing too much. The intentions of my mind are stronger than my body. It betrays me! My body has it's weaknesses and cannot live up to the pressure I put on it to perform. For example: I had breakthrough seizures (Simple Partial) after my walk and it left me "out of sorts" for most of the afternoon. I struggle with clarity afterwards, feel unfocused and somewhat fuzzy. I don't like it. It's annoying. Will be seeing doctor tomorrow afternoon and I intend to discuss this with him. I am pretty sure he will encourage me to follow through on the walking program, but I hope there is some method or treatment to prevent the same results I had today.

Upon reflection I think about how, when I am well rested, that I don't have this problem. After a sleepless night, the seizures are more likely to occur. Perhaps I need more cats to sleep with me. Eh? I also have some books on gentle exercise. I have the feeling I need to pull them out from the shelves and re-read them to refresh my resolve.