Reflections on Moodiness

It starts with a feeling of numbness. The world is flat and so am I, like in a cartoon. Flat and gray. Even my energy is flat. I cannot conjure up more than a smile when others laugh at something funny. 


I ride along like that, sometimes weeks, sometimes months. But, I always know what comes next. I wait it out, hoping I can pick myself up, hoping it will go away, hoping the sun will break through the fog clouding my brain. 


Occasionally it does clear up and I can feel okay. Sometimes my okay gets to be more than okay and I feel great. In fact I feel wonderful. I can do anything when I feel like that. Yes! The world is round, full and three dimensional. Though, I would most likely tell you at those times, there are more than seven dimensions. That's how my mania goes. 


It also goes a bit sour, too. I get agitated and irritable. I don't bite people's heads off, but I certainly have been known to go for the jugular. I hate myself then. It's a big let down after having been so inflated with my own self adoration and that of others. I've never been able to figure out how I become so popular during those times. I'm still the same person. How did the mania magnetize me?


I've been fortunate that my mania is the "hypo" kind, a low grade sort. Still, today I would trade my present mood for some of the happiness I feel when I'm in that riding high kind of mania I've experienced. 


It's been a while since I've been there creating art, writing stories and poems, doing genealogy, sight seeing, using my camera to catch the nuances of light on color. I miss that part of me. She's so articulate and clever and fully enjoys life.