To the Children of My Heart

An open letter to my "Heart Children"

Dear Ones,

I've adopted you over the years as my special Heart Child. (or maybe you adopted me) Perhaps it is because you have no mother, or have an estranged mother, or have had to develop your own "inner mother". Perhaps you have a perfectly wonderful Mom, and I'm happy for you because of that.

Perhaps you walked into my life alongside one of my own Birth-Given Children, and my heart was captured by you because you brought joy to my child. Perhaps you and I are still in touch even though the old ties with my son or daughter are gone. Or you both may have gone your own ways as your life paths diverged. Perhaps you are no longer in my life either. Whatever the reasons, it doesn't matter. You are still a child of my heart.

You've shared your life and loves with me. It pleases me when you have joy. My heart aches when you are discouraged. Sometimes you've turned to me for guidance. Sometimes you've given me guidance. Though we have this special friendship, it is not always expressed. It is understood. But, I sure do love it when you refer to me as your "other mother".

You know I love my Birth-Given Children more than the world itself. They are my heart and soul. But, Dear Ones, there is room in my heart for you, too. I'm sending you my best wishes and love today wherever you are.

In Memory of Jeffery, Fire Rescue Cat

The Dowager Queen, so lonely in her old age made her wishes known: a friend, a companion, I must bring her, to share her last days. The shelter had none old like she, only rambunctious kittens and healthy young ones. No, these were not to be.

Keli needed one of her own, a cat with tired bones and wise heart, not wanting to chase and play. When they called me,
I suspected another mismatch.

But, there he was, a sad derelict rescued from the forest fire. Home unknown. No chip. No collar. No front tooth. A tired old man. But eyes full of life and some kind of rare understanding glowing there.

The shelter called him Charlie, but as soon as we came home he told me it wasn't his name. I had suspected as much. He said, Jeffery would do. Hard of hearing, that is the name he responded to.


Both a bit crotchety, Keli and he bonded as old folks do, tolerating personality quirks, respecting each other's space, and a riled spat or two.

They grew close enough to share the heater, the bed, the food bowl, but not me.

When the Dowager Queen died
Jeffery did the most remarkable thing. He sat shiva with her body.

In awe, I put my feelings aside and let him be with this mysterious cat ritual until he walked away. No one can ever tell me cats don't grieve, because that's what he did. The same as me.

Jeffery didn't eat. Already skin and bones I couldn't face another loss so soon. I went against advice and adopted a pal for him. He didn't much like Ninja but enjoyed the challenge of being first at the food bowl. Being top cat brought back his interest in life and I had hopes for their friendship to develop.

It was only six months and five days after the Dowager Queen died when Jeffery went to join her. We left for a check up visit to the vet. On the highway, we drove past where the skeletal remains of thousands of trees stood testament to the fires from which Jeffery was rescued. Frantic in his carrier, he seized.

He sleeps forever beneath the big pine where he sat many an evening, perhaps missing his old forest home.

I look at his pictures and wonder. How could a cat with me so short a time make such a big hole in my heart?

 It's been one year since Jeffery died.

Bad Blood

Covering the seed of my memories,
she is buried at the bottom of my heart,
where the blood has turned brown like dark rich humus;
the baby girl I gave away.
I have watered the soil with my tears of regret
all these eons, as she has grown.

She is big enough now.
I cannot keep her buried anymore,
my thoughts of her possess me.
she is breaking through,
fresh and new, like a newborn
my memory of her stares at me.
I hold her in my arms, softly cooing.

But the years have passed, 
reality faces me.
a full-grown woman stands before me.
she challenges me,

Why did you give me away?"

"Why didn't you want me?"

"Wasn't I good enough for you?"

"Why did you keep the others born to you?"

She spits out her bitterness.
"I have spent all my life feeling like a bad seed!

There are no tears to quench her now,
only anger jetting forth from her body
hitting me in waves.
She's got a lot of ammunition
I shrink from the power of it.
unable to reach out, hold her, comfort her.
My hopes dashed that we might be friends.

Now, I am buried at the bottom of her rage,
weighted down, held back, unable to explain.
She walks away and leaves me for dead,
buried at the bottom of her heart.

But the time will come when I shall emerge
from the dark rich humus of old blood covering me.
I will bloom into her thoughts,
and she shall seek me out, the mother she didn't want,
and she'll be surprised that I am young no longer
but, old and gray and haggard.

Addle-brained, I shall blankly stare at her,
the discarded mother in the nursing home.
Who are you? I'll say.
I don't know you!
What do you want?
Go away!

We will have spent our lives estranged