Great Expectations

Wrapping gifts tonight, it started to sink in. The time draws near when the big day arrives. Will I still be in this Grinch mode? I hope not.

I recall childhood Christmases, and filter them through this age's interpretation and get frustrated with myself that remembering doesn't necessarily make the same feelings arise that once created impetus for future Christmas seasons.

It's similar to no longer enjoying that great car you once bought, and no longer care for.

It's like watching a movie of some kid who is enjoying herself, but her thoughts are her own. I remember little things that once meant a great deal to me. I think it is a lot like Ram Dass' book, Be Here Now. It's what I was doing then, but I cannot go back and recapture it all.

I realize this is the point I am missing. I'm looking backward and wishing I was there now, and I'm not. I'm here, of course. It's not like I want to eradicate the deliciousness of those childhood memories. A lot of them have come to visit me lately, carol singing in the snow with other kids, wrapping gifts for Mom 'cause she was "all thumbs", making all our christmas cards by hand. Great expectations of forcing those feelings is unrealistic.

By clinging to the idea that I might re-capture those previous experiences and renew my "joys of the season", I've made an effort to examine what might bring about new sensitivity on my part. The logical mind wants so badly to have it diagrammed in plain black and white. The reality is if I did have those answers, it would only be understanding and not satisfaction in "knowing". I mean the knowing from the heart, the knowing that passes needing explanations.

So, I wait to see, even in my mild anticipation, how things will be this year. I think I have a big chance to have a good time, as I will be seeing my kids, grand kids and great grand kids. Surely, their joy is contagious. So, it will be nice to soak it up like sunshine.

I have hope for a renewal, or perhaps a new way of experiencing the season, here and now.

Finding Meaning

Some said I was wasting my time, just ignore it, or take happy pills. But, since the old way wasn't working, I've been fervently seeking new meaning of the holiday season. I questioned if we were all living in delusion, going along with what everyone else was doing in order to get through until New Years. I felt like we were all sheep just following the siren call that no longer has purpose. It all seems so buried under hype, TV shows, overwhelming competition of lighting displays, ridiculous holiday songs assaulting the senses, too wrapped up in ribbons and bows to be true-hearted with one another, too many shopping days filled with forced sales, too much of everything obscuring any possibility of clarity of the heart joining us together in spirit.

In my search, some little glimmerings came my way, things that made me smile, warmed my heart. But nothing connected, until I found the one thing that opened up the gateway. This video represents the pouring out of joy to be shared with others, to bring upliftment without all the trappings of "things" in the way.

I came across this accidentally, watched out of curiosity. I like to observe people so I waited in anticipation to see the reactions. But, quite dramatically it became more than that. It was visceral. Music speaks to me deeply, and the energy it takes for a voice to put soul into the melody is contagious. Smiles and tears, that's the way I like it.  

I'm not saying this is the only way of doing it. I saying this is symbolic to me of what purity of spirit that needs to be present in order to open the heart to the season. And since I felt so lost and separated from it all, this has triggered it for me. I feel like I'm heading in the right direction to "make the season bright".

Disconnected Christmas Season

I feel like I just dropped in from another planet, when I consider what's going on around me. A television show this evening was about one character searching for the meaning of Christmas. Where have I heard that one before? I am in a similar situation, searching for what is meaningful about this time of year that everyone is so involved in. I mean no offense, dear reader. I find some folks are so stressed by keeping up with traditions and social norms I wonder if it is worth it. I truly feel disconnected and outside, looking in, on what now appears so unfamiliar to me.

Bah Humbug doesn't even sum it up. It's more like what the heck is going on? At one point in my life I was very absorbed in Christmas with all the trimmings. I started my Christmas shopping in January, when everything was marked down and continued to shop throughout the year. I had a long list of people I bought gifts for. Those gifts sat in my closet waiting for the momentous occasion when someone would unwrap them, eyes aglow, and smile with satisfaction. Though that was not always the reaction I saw, I still felt good for my succeeding in providing a gift for everyone. And best of all, I thought, I wouldn't be stuck in last minute shopping hoards exhausting myself. Just the same, as the clock ticked down I found myself shopping. One cannot have a successful holiday season without stocking up on all those required food items. Then, of course, someone must prepare all that stuff, and someone must also eat it, not only at home, but at every opportunity that arises.

Today, I spent the afternoon with some friends in festive attire and shared great food and conversation. Lots of laughs and hugs accompanied the fun. This can happen any time we would like, and I wonder why we just don't do it more often. Do we really need Christmas season as an excuse to get together and have fun? Surely not. We were all dressed up in the colors of the season, red and green. Have you ever noticed that?

There seems to be an unspoken agreement among us that certain colors are to be worn at certain times of the year. Valentines day brings on the red and white. Easter has pastels. Red, White and Blue for Independence day. Black and Orange for Halloween. Brown, yellow and orange for Thanksgiving. I really don't look good in orange, nor pastels, either. I gave up dressing up in the appropriate colors a long time ago. It had no meaning for me to just go along for the sake of appearances.

Are we all pretending to have a good time so that we don't spoil another persons good time? Are we not pretending, but just caught up in the mania and following the flow of what others do? If so, then, are there others who wonder about all this besides me? Maybe I'm missing something here.

I know that getting together with family to party surely counts highest on the meaningfulness of the season. But, I'd like to believe that getting together for a family party is meaningful any time of the year.

It's not just the parties. The one I attended was lovely. But, how many parties are obligations? I overheard someone the other day say that she had 3 events to attend over the weekend and she was hosting another and it was all a nightmare for her to juggle life and family in between all that. We are not even into the second week of the month yet? Where do we draw the line?

Unlike the character in the TV show, I'm not searching for the meaning of Christmas. I'm wanting to understand how much meaning others are getting out of it all. Perhaps, then I wouldn't feel like such a Scrooge.