Insomnia

three in morning

still awake

nothing new under the moon



~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: digital art by myself, Elizabeth Munroz

Rationalizing Book Disposal

In the last year or so, I have been slowly parting with books only to buy more, from Amazon, Paperbackswap or half.com . That last one is a problem because you trade one book for another... I have book shelves in every room in the house and a little one for magazines in the bathroom. Everyone reads there. Right?

I've taken at least a hundred to sell to a local bookstore. But, in order to really let go, I am having to talk myself into it. Aside from attempting to reach a more minimalist lifestyle, I realized they took up a lot of space and that adds to my sensation that my home is too cluttered.

Because of my asthma and allergies it is a good idea to not have dust catchers on the book shelves. Some older books have mold and that's really bad for allergies. I find more and more, that I read on the internet. There are some very good authors sharing their work this way for free or a small fee. If you have a title of an older book you're interested in, go to google books and see if they have it online to read. If you visit publishing houses sometimes they have a free book to download. Oftentimes they have sample chapters to get you interested in buying new books. My daughter did this with her Kindle and ended up buying the author's whole series.

I donate my books to the local Senior Center, the hospital borrowing library, 2 nursing homes and my local freecycle group. Older textbooks go to recycle bin. Magazines in good condition, I leave at doctor's offices. Though pretty soon there will be no more magazines as I am not renewing them.

I don't make use of libraries because I'm terrible about returning books on time. I have never been able to break that habit and have spent too much paying fines. Not worth it for me.

Another rationale I give myself for clearing my bookshelves? I live in earthquake country. I have this queasy image of dying beneath an avalanche of books.

And still I struggle with the part of me that is kicking and screaming, holding on for dear life to every page as I self righteously pry them from her clutches.


~~~~~~
Note:
First picture is one I took of my son with comic book character in Barnes and Noble, San Francisco
Second picture of books piled upon body is from: http://jalainer.blogspot.com

Becoming...

 You should think

not only that you become a mother

when your child is born,

but also that you become a child.

              ~~~Dogen

Note: Photo is of my sister and her daughter

Can you prove who you are without a shadow of a doubt

Can you prove who you are without a shadow of a doubt? Are you a citizen of the country you live in? Are you a citizen of another country? Do you have dual citizenship? Do you have adequate documentation?

I just recently received a letter from a government agency demanding that I provide evidence of my citizenship. Easy thing to do. Right? Just produce an original or certified birth certificate, not a photocopy, they say.

There's a problem with this. I can contact the birth records department for the state I was born in. I can ask for a copy of my birth certificate. But, I will need to provide either a credit card or send a check to pay for my copy. I doubt they will be accepted as my present name is not the one I was given at birth.

I completely changed my full name  by a common law practice of assuming a new name, registering it with social security, driver's license and bank. It was easy to do back then, and quite acceptable. That was nearly 30 years ago. It is my understanding that I would need to go to court to have it changed. Which brings us back to proving who I once was.

Presuming that I cannot receive a certified copy of my birth certificate, I have slim options. I am only allowed to have one affidavit signed by a family member stating that they knew me to be who I claim to be I once was and they knew me when I changed my name to who I am now.

I would be surprised if there many facing the same issue on this level. How many old hippies changed there name the way I did?

I would need another affidavit signed by an unrelated person who can prove their own citizenship stating they knew me before and after. I haven't stayed in touch with childhood friends. That leaves my Ex-Husband. Hmmm... I wonder where he lives now. If I found him would he be willing to sign an affidavit that he knew my name was one thing and then I changed it to another.

What amazes me about this requirement is how it could possibly be acceptable proof of my citizenship, based upon another person's say so. Some dishonest people may have an easy time of doing this. It bothers me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: I wrote this several months ago. I did not want to publish it until I received my new birth certificate with my new name, which I now have.

Harvest Festival

They weave in and out.

Those ancient dancers

A joyous trance to perform.

In their fine feathers they strut

One after another taking their places

In reverent fashion

Lining up, moving sinuously

To the timing of the lute.

Each one following the other

Orderly now, each one in step,

Synchronized perfection,

Just as the wheat is blown

A single stem at a time

As the grain weaves itself

like an ocean across the seed heads.

Golden and warm in the sunlight

Bending and giving space to one another

Like the ebb and flow of waves

All falling together.

Not one out of place

All timing in perfect sequence.

As the wind dies away

Each dancer raises her head

Looking about in satisfaction.

The work is complete as the sun

Kisses the grain farewell.

Inspired by the music of John Doan, “Tra Amici” from Departures
Elizabeth Munroz

Yellow for Victory

 What are you doing on Livestrong Day 2010?

The Livestrong Manifesto

We believe in life.
Your life.
We believe in living every minute of it with every ounce of your being.
And that you must not let cancer take control of it.
We believe in energy: channeled and fierce.
We believe in focus: getting smart and living strong.
Unity is strength.
Knowledge is power.
Attitude is everything.
This is LIVESTRONG.

We kick in the moment you’re diagnosed.
We help you accept the tears.
Acknowledge the rage.
We believe in your right to live without pain.
We believe in information. Not pity.
And in straight, open talk about cancer.
With husbands, wives and partners.
With kids, friends and neighbors.
Your healthcare team.
And the people you live with, work with, cry and laugh with.
This is no time to pull punches.
You’re in the fight of your life.

We’re about the hard stuff.
Like finding the nerve to ask for a second opinion.
And a third, or a fourth, if that’s what it takes.
We’re about preventing cancer. Finding it early.
Getting smart about clinical trials.
And if it comes to it, being in control of how your life ends.
It’s your life. You will have it your way.

We’re about the practical stuff.
Planning for surviving.
Banking your sperm.
Preserving your fertility.
Organizing your finances.
Dealing with hospitals, specialists, insurance companies and employers.
It’s knowing your rights.
It’s your life.
Take no prisoners.

We’re about the fight.

~~~The LIVESTRONG Manifesto

Great Power

Sand Grains
free movement
Dunes redistributing sediment

Beaches eroding
ocean waves
washing shorelines
Surf rolling, pounding.
Coastline shrinking
White water curling,
through seaside rocks.

Moss, all green, alive
holding tenaciously
swirled and twirled

Low tide
sucks away the shore.
High tide flooding.

Moon stands upon the ripples,
tip toe light on moving prisms,
raising and lowering tides.

Water
It's just water.
The great power
moving and changing
the geography of the world

In Memory of Jeffery, Fire Rescue Cat

The Dowager Queen, so lonely in her old age made her wishes known: a friend, a companion, I must bring her, to share her last days. The shelter had none old like she, only rambunctious kittens and healthy young ones. No, these were not to be.

Keli needed one of her own, a cat with tired bones and wise heart, not wanting to chase and play. When they called me,
I suspected another mismatch.

But, there he was, a sad derelict rescued from the forest fire. Home unknown. No chip. No collar. No front tooth. A tired old man. But eyes full of life and some kind of rare understanding glowing there.

The shelter called him Charlie, but as soon as we came home he told me it wasn't his name. I had suspected as much. He said, Jeffery would do. Hard of hearing, that is the name he responded to.


Both a bit crotchety, Keli and he bonded as old folks do, tolerating personality quirks, respecting each other's space, and a riled spat or two.

They grew close enough to share the heater, the bed, the food bowl, but not me.

When the Dowager Queen died
Jeffery did the most remarkable thing. He sat shiva with her body.

In awe, I put my feelings aside and let him be with this mysterious cat ritual until he walked away. No one can ever tell me cats don't grieve, because that's what he did. The same as me.

Jeffery didn't eat. Already skin and bones I couldn't face another loss so soon. I went against advice and adopted a pal for him. He didn't much like Ninja but enjoyed the challenge of being first at the food bowl. Being top cat brought back his interest in life and I had hopes for their friendship to develop.

It was only six months and five days after the Dowager Queen died when Jeffery went to join her. We left for a check up visit to the vet. On the highway, we drove past where the skeletal remains of thousands of trees stood testament to the fires from which Jeffery was rescued. Frantic in his carrier, he seized.

He sleeps forever beneath the big pine where he sat many an evening, perhaps missing his old forest home.

I look at his pictures and wonder. How could a cat with me so short a time make such a big hole in my heart?

 It's been one year since Jeffery died.

Can I be a Biggest Loser?

Dear Biggest Loser,

I cried tonight watching when Corey fell, not once, but twice and he didn't get a chance to make it over the finish line.

I cried when he said he wants to lose weight, but he doesn't understand why he keeps eating. And while he's eating he keeps asking himself why, while a part of him says to stop, but he continues to eat anyway.

I cried when I saw the oxygen mask over his face and the Emergency vehicles ready to take him away. I cried as I took what was left of my carrot cake I had been munching on while watching the show, and tossed it in the garbage.

I'm like Corey. I know my health is quite seriously in danger. I really want to lose weight. But, I still eat incorrectly and while I'm doing it (or not eating at all) I still ask myself why and still do it anyway. There's no part of me telling me to stop, though. It's more like, "Shhh... don't think about it."

And I would be like Korey trying to run a mile. I would fall down too. Not only can I not walk a mile. I cannot run at all. I haven't been able to run since my leg popped out of it's socket. I did it twice and then that was it. I never ran again.

I had a rare bone cancer starting when I was 22. I had seven recurrences for eleven years. A portion of my pelvis was removed along with some pelvic floor muscles, as well as a muscle on the inside of my leg. There is no built-in prosthesis holding me together.

Originally, I was told, if I survived, I would never walk. But, I did walk, and have had to get out of a wheelchair and learn to walk again more than once. I've done the best I can all these years. I'm 65 now. Even with my eating the wrong foods, I'm still able to keep my (over) weight stable these last 15 years. But, I'm afraid as I become more inactive I will gain more.

I know I have gone against the odds so many times and learned I have something in me that fights even when I think I have given up. But, this part of me that cannot eat right, wont eat right, defeats me.

I keep wondering how soon it will be when I'm in a wheelchair again, and at what point I wont be able to make myself walk. There's longevity in my family. I don't want to spend the next 30 years unable to walk.

I don't need to lose hundreds of pounds. If my goal weight were to be the healthy weight I had at age 18, I would only need to lose 60 pounds. But, I know my challenge to lose that amount of weight would be just as difficult for my body and mind as if I had hundreds of pounds to lose.

I doubt I would be accepted for the show. I have other medical problems that would probably disqualify me.

I wish you would have a Biggest Loser season where you help disabled people to lose weight and show us how to do it with adaptations equal to our physical capabilities. Could you do a Biggest Loser show like that? If you do, I bet it would be the biggest challenge that Bob and Jillian (and Dr. Huizenga) have ever faced.

A Royal Life

PRINCESS

A True Story of Life Behind the Veil in Saudi Arabia

By Jean P. Sasson

During the early seventies I tutored male Saudi students in English while they attended college in the Los Angeles area. These students were of the same family from which the author, Sultana derives. Therefore my interest in this book was piqued, as soon as I realized my connection. I read until my eyes were too blurry to see the pages and fell asleep with it in my hands. I awoke with it and began reading it again, until it was finished the same day. Then, I re-read it.

Being born a Princess, the youngest of ten daughters and one son, one would think, what a charmed life! Regardless of the great wealth of the family and the opulence of her palatial surroundings, according to Princess Sultana, she led a pretty dismal life, without the freedoms that we take for granted. Yet, she seems to have a strong spirit of rebellion and a sense of justice that made it difficult for her family to control her. Because of her position in life, she was exposed to trips to Europe and education beyond the norm.

Fortunately for Sultana, the ritual act of vulvectomy was not performed on her the way it had been for some of her oldest sister’s, and she was indulged enough as a youngster to assert her independence early. Because of her position she was able to become more aware of women’s rights and in her own veiled way, is an activist. She indicates the dictates of her religion, the control of the religious community, and the severe consequences of any actions taken by any woman in her society, keep her from causing a major revolution. Ironically, one could consider her the Gloria Steinem of her people, yet Sultana, upon reaching an age of maturity, covered her body completely by donning the traditional garb of the veil, and submitted to a traditional arranged marriage with her cousin, and other things one would not consider to be part of the life of a women’s rights activist.

As I read, I was very aware of my discomfort in what I considered to be the egotistical and manipulative personality of the author. I had little sympathy at times for her complaints of being oppressed when she described the incredible advantages she has because of her wealth: trips to Europe, vacations in palaces, wearing Paris fashions, and precious gems and jewelry. My attitude was, Such Poverty!!! Poor little rich girl! But, when I got over my bout of judgmental envy, I realized that all the wealth in the world is not worth the lack of basic human rights.

The facts presented by Sultana, of the things every Saudi, both male and female, take as a matter of proper living is difficult to grasp. It appears to me, the men, given all the power, certainly do not appear to be very content with the burden of it. How happy can they be? The women in their lives, their own mothers, sisters and wives are forced by circumstance to behave in fearful, subservient, whimpering, obedient, and less than human way. It appears to me that the women whose spirits have not been broken, become cleverly devious, manipulative, revengeful and unapproachable. How can love or trust be built into any kind of healthy relationship?

The descriptions of life as given by the author, for the average Saudi are appalling. To think that all in the name of Allah, little girls are tortured, (genitally mutilated), sold, or married off to old men to be raped, kept confined to quarters all their lives unless accompanied by a father, brother, or other approved male, denied proper medical care, and punished for the crime of looking someone directly in the eye are beyond comprehension. It is interesting to note that none of this is dictated by the Koran. It is the Imams (the religious leaders) who swarm over every community who have the true power in Saudi Arabia. I often wonder if the men in Saudi society are just as entrapped as the women.

It was with horror and revulsion, I read this book. As much as I wanted to throw it across the room into the fireplace, I could not stop reading it. I do not recommend this book for those with queasy stomachs or those who only prefer to read high quality Literature. I do recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand the complexities of other cultures,
and especially, to any man who wants to understand how women think and feel. It doesn’t make any difference that Sultana is from another country. Her feelings about the way women are treated reach across the borders and reflect the hearts and true feelings of all women regardless of background.

Let's Kill Cancer!

October 2nd is the anniversary of Lance Armstrong's cancer diagnosis and it will be a global day of action. On this day we gather to celebrate survivorship and commit to working towards a world without cancer.

Host a LIVESTRONG Day event and put it on the map. Raise awareness. Raise funds. Register to create your event page and tell the world.

http://www.livestrong.org/livestrongday

If you can't pull together hundreds of people to organize a big bash, that's okay. Get together with some friends, decorate in yellow, wear the LIVESTRONG wristband and remember those in your lives affected by cancer. Or choose some other significant way to participate with the rest of the world in the plans to kill cancer!

A Free Spirit

Trapped like an criminal

in a confining cage

pacing back and forth

until the hopelessness

sinks in and takes over.

The creature sinks

down into lethargy

and a fog of indifference.

The free spirit that once

burned brightly

locked away,

what remains, but

a smothered coal

in a cold damp cave

close to annihilation.

The tiger dreams

of the chase.


~~~

Digital art and poetry by Elizabeth Munroz

The Hardest Thing to Do

A first person account of Daniel Mercy:

I remember when my best friend, Johnny, came home from the hospital. We were both five. But he was half my size. He had been living with leukemia but then, he died. I remember that was when I first decided "when I grow up I'm going to be a doctor".

I soon forgot that dream and before you know it, all I wanted to do was ride my bike and be a racer. As I peddled like a speed demon delivering the newspaper throughout the neighborhood, I always avoided the house of Johnny's parents as much as possible. I got very good at throwing the paper from impossible distances, making sure his parents weren't in sight. If they were, I would go back later to deliver.

As I grew older Mom and Dad encouraged me to be an accountant. They pointed out my thriftiness with the income I made from my paper route as a way to point out that I was a "natural" for such a career. I would be secure with good money and I would always be well off, they said.

It was at that time I took up art and scribbled away on any piece of paper I could get my hands on drawing the microbes I saw in Biology class, drawing the map of the stars in astronomy class. It was then I decided I wanted to be an astronomer

But, the day came when at a neighborhood festival, I ran into Johnny's parents. They had gone on with their lives, and had other kids by this time. I met them one by one, right down to the youngest, the five year old they had named John.

That day is indelible in my mind, it was the day I got serious and began to study. I made up my mind, it would be medical school or nothing. It wasn't easy. I thought it was the hardest thing in the world I would ever do. But, it wasn't.

I thought the hardest thing I ever did was when my first patient died. I went home in a daze, I punched the wall in the garage before I went in the house and cried my eyes out in my wife's arms.

But, that truly was not the hardest thing I ever did. Not the hardest thing I will ever do.

The hardest thing I ever do, is every day... Sometimes it is when I have a new patient come in the door with worried parents.

And later on, after you have tried your best to save that little life, you would think the hardest thing is being honest and telling the kid its over. But they are so understanding and wise beyond their years. They already know. They are relieved. They want it to be over. They know it is time. They knew it before I did.

But that's not the hardest thing. The hardest thing is telling the parents there is nothing else that can be done. That it is all over. Time to go home and wait it out. Get hospice. And knowing the child wants to go, but the parents cling. That's the hardest thing.

>>>>>>>

Note: This was a fictional writing exercise in character development.

Human

I am human.

I bleed.

I ache, my chest heaves

I cry real tears,

sometimes wipe them away,

wondering.

Where did that come from?


I am human.

At my weakest,

a ball of bread dough

waiting to arise

through the science

of warmth and yeast.

At my best, a wondrous child

of the Creator.

I am human

swept along the riverbed

with the rest of humanity

carried to the open sea,

not to be lost,

but to find myself

as one among the many.


I am human

knowing nothing

except of what I convince myself.

My illusions in flux,

one day transforms

into another until

I look back

and recognize only

someone has been there.

Could it have been human?

Life is full of Tigers

Here's a little story. You've probably heard it before in one form or another. This story concerns a man or maybe it's a woman, who is being chased by a tiger until she reaches a cliff where she totters for a moment before falling.

Already know this one? Read it anyway.

As she tumbles down the side she grabs hold of a small shrub growing on the face of the cliff. She hangs there, poised precariously between life and death contemplating her next possible move.

She looks up. Above her the tiger remains panting and growling pacing back and forth. She knows she can't climb up. Looking down she sees another tiger prowling in anticipation at the bottom of the cliff. Where did he come from?

Then to make life even more interesting, she notices two small mice are now busily gnawing away at the main stem of the shrub on which her life literally depends.

Simultaneously she sees some wild roses growing just within reach. She plucks one and puts them to her nose to sniff and thinks to herself, "Ah... how intensely beautiful the fragrance!"

~~~

Life is full of tigers and the adrenaline and stress that come with them. This week tigers have been everywhere I turn. And those darn mice are but the gnawing worry that kept me awake last night wondering what I could do about the situations I was facing.

But, today while awaiting the results of a ten hour long surgery of a patient who is in my bone cancer support group, and hanging out with my elder lady buddies in the book discussion group I attend, and coming home to my three cats who come running to me like puppies to be petted; it was then I stopped and smelled the roses!

Who knows? Maybe all those tigers I've been dealing with will turn out to be made of paper after all.

Note: Both photos were taken by me. The Sierra Rose photo was enhanced in photoshop by plucking a rose from another picture and placing it there next to the dying bush.