Nothing to Fear, but Fear

I fear I am not in my perfect mind. - King Lear

afraid to break free
from depression
negativity
self-loathing
and loneliness.

afraid I'm not worthy
afraid nobody likes me
nobody needs me
wants me
loves me.

Afraid I'm incapable
of loving
being loved
or accepting love at all.

afraid of making bad impressions,
saying the wrong thing
at the wrong time,
of reversing my words,
slurring my sentences
into indistinguishable pratter,
stuttering aimlessly,
repeating myself----
not making any logical sense.

afraid food is stuck between my teeth
or booger hanging from nose
afraid teeth aren't white enough
or hair isn't shiny
it's too short
the bald spot showing

Afraid mascara will run
like the time
at a party
the guys commented
about my "unusual eyes"
I never knew it was smeared
'til I got to my car
rear view reflection
a raccoon woman stared

afraid of making friends
afraid of trusting
of believing in genuine kindness
or truth, honesty

I'm afraid to go to the beach
afraid to wear a swimsuit in public
afraid others will see my scars
the Bride of Frankenstein
afraid I smell like the Bride of Frankenstein
my body odor is offensive fifteen feet away,
or, worse, private secretions.
After all,
I can smell myself from here!

I'm afraid someone will get too close.
afraid of closeness
afraid of not having someone close.

I'm afraid my too-tight pants will split a seam,
afraid my zipper's been open all day,
and afraid nobody likes me well enough
to tell me,
"Hey, your zipper's open,
your make-up is smeared
There's a booger in your nose,
food in your teeth."

I'm afraid of not thinking clearly,
not being understood
not being heard
not being liked.

I'm afraid I spend too much time being so afraid.

Worst of all,
I'm afraid of not being anything else but who I am.


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Acknowledging Fear
An exercise in self discovery
From Writing Class
Written summer 1976
Elizabeth Munroz