From Suffering to Courage

Elizabeth and her Dad, James D. Deane

So often over the years, people who learned about my diagnosis of bone cancer and partial amputation of my pelvis in my early twenties would say how courageous I was. I had seven surgeries over eleven years and never once felt courageous. I would deny that I was courageous at all, thereby, denying their opinion of me, almost like calling them a liar or fool.

It wasn't until one little old man told me that there were just two people in the world who he admired more than any others because of the courage they had due to succeeding to live a life with pain and suffering and not taking everybody down because of it.

The first person he admired for his courage was his own father who had been crushed between two railroad cars of a train and carried to the station where a doctor sawed off his leg. It was the early 1900's. they did things that way back then. This amputee lived out his total of 86 years with, at first, a very heavy wooden leg for forty years. Then. after all that time, he had a surgery to correct the first botched surgery, after which a new modern lightweight artificial leg was provided. This man worked a job until the day he died. I can see why this man was considered courageous.

The second person was me. This little old man, age 90, was my own father who told me this a few months before he died. I cried to know my father had kept those secret thoughts about me for so long, but terribly grateful he told me.

I have learned that courage is in the eye of the beholder, and you never know who admires your courage. Even though I did not (do not) feel courageous, when others say they admire my courage, I now let them say it and I graciously say thank you, reminding myself that there must be something I do or did that deserved that badge of courage.

Sometimes during those eleven years and seven surgeries, I cried and complained.  I wanted to die and just get it over with. Sometimes I thought I would go crazy. I felt I had no choice. I couldn't escape my circumstances. I just had to keep experiencing what came next. I felt like a victim of circumstances, not courageous at all. It amazes me that I'm still here. I made it! So maybe that did take a little bit of courage to get through it all.

It was not easy in my own eyes to think of myself as courageous, but now I can finally see it. I hope you will too. Realize that you can be afraid or be feeling discouraged and still have a courageous spirit. If life gives us a precarious path to follow and there is no getting off the path, all we can do is keep going even with the fear or pain or emotional trauma. That takes courage. Anyone who has faced adversity or suffered a loss or even stress that can get through to the other side of those things has courage. Keep in mind that like a soldier who has no choice but to face whatever it is he has to do, he does what he has to do whether he is afraid or not. He may not feel brave. But, he keeps at it even if he is afraid.

What I try to do is put one foot ahead of the other and keep going. As they say, the only way out of fear is through it. This goes for any kind of pain and suffering, too, in my opinion. Accepting whatever is happening is half the battle.

Speaking of battles. When it comes to cancer, people will say, he or she is a cancer warrior. I feel that anyone who has a medical challenge can be considered a warrior. Like any warrior on the battlefield, there is nowhere to run. You have to stay and fight the battle. If you have to fight for your life, then that's what you do, even if you do it kicking and screaming and crying and wailing. You get through it.

And now I have leukemia. But, that's another story... er... battle. Stay tuned.

Enjoying Alone

The sun is about to set behind the cliff. Due west is to my right, the ocean in front of me, I'm in an odd curve of the bay where the sun doesn't disappear to sleep in the ocean. The sky has turned a gorgeous sky-blue-pink, as my mother used to call it. I still love it here at this location so much.

I don't want to leave, but I am thoroughly chilled now, even with the blanket wrapped around me. It’s odd how I would have been warm enough, comfortable enough, in the same temperature back east (inland Midwest). But, here, on the coast, it seems colder. Perhaps the moisture from the ocean adds to the sense of the coldness. Or maybe it is just because I am by myself, and feeling a little bit lonesome. I gather my belongings and head for the car. Still, there is time on the meter. I want to sit here in my car, warm up and watch people passing by.

Many couples saunter arm in arm. Young and old, fat and thin. Some walk their doggies on leash. A young woman about fifteen comes by with her white Standard Poodle proudly prancing at her side. Such a spirited animal! She plunks down on my previously occupied bench to watch the waves and invites her furry buddy to join her. I am envious as she leans against him to borrow his cuddly warmth. They sit there a while like lovers with their shadowed heads together in the last remnants of twilight.

I've heard that the rhythm of the ocean changes on every seventh wave. They say that every so often there is a wave that seems bigger, more spectacular, than those preceding it. I don't keep count. I am watching too many other things. But it must be Mother Nature’s way of announcing the fabled seventh wave, as the sea grabs my attention enough to draw me away from all the other distractions around me, as though it has said, "Hey! Pay attention here! Yes. Here! You can't miss this one glorious wave. At least, watch this one." And I marvel.

Suddenly many people pass by now obscuring my view. The movies have just let out. I'm cold and go home.

Raccoon Danger

Recently a neighbor of mine moved away. She was in the habit of feed raccoons at night. They went into her garage to eat. I personally haven't seen any around my house, but then, I'm not out at night looking for them. They certainly are cute, but do you know that if your cat or dog sniffs at a pile of raccoon poop, the parasite can enter your pet and cause all kinds of problems and even death.

Raccoons are host to diseases like rabies.  I'd guess that most of us have had our pets inoculated for Rabies. So maybe not to worry. But most humans don't get Rabies vaccine until after bitten. And how do we know if they have Rabies or not? When bitten by a wild animal the treatment should be as soon as possible. Once a rabies infection is established, there's no effective treatment. Though a small number of people have survived rabies, the disease is usually fatal. For that reason, if you think you've been exposed to rabies, you must get a series of shots to prevent the infection from taking hold. Starting with a vaccine injected close to the spot where you were bitten. Then it takes a series of  4 shots all within a two week period. Fortunately, in the US rabies is fairly rare. But, bitten by a wild animal it is not safe to presume.

Raccoons also carry another more common problem. It's called Baylisascaris infection. It is caused by a roundworm found in raccoons. It can infect people as well as a variety of other animals, including dogs and cats. Human infections are rare but can be severe if the parasites travel to your eye, organs or the brain. The parasite is endemic in raccoons, with infection rates ranging from 72% to 100%. This parasite lives in their intestinal tract and produces thousands of eggs that are shed in their poop.

Raccoons make communal latrines that can be found at the bases of trees and up in branch crotches, on woodpiles, along and on the top of fences, on roofs, attics, and sandboxes. This results in a lot of the eggs in one specific spot, attracting foraging birds and small rodents to undigested parts. This continues the parasite’s life cycle as it infects and kills the intermediate host. Then the raccoon scavenges the dead, becomes infected with the larva and round and round we go.

The immensity of these worms can cause significant tissue trauma, especially in young children with their small bodies. The most common diagnosis from infection is eosinophilic meningoencephalitis, in which the brain and spinal cord and the meninges membranes surrounding the two become enormously inflamed. Have you heard of meningitis?

But, how to protect ourselves and our pets? How can we get raccoons to move on?

Garden Memories - Lilies

Looking back upon the past summer and the incredible heat of October, it seemed to me that autumn would never truly arrive even though my Chrysanthemums insisted on their season. Finally, we verged upon November and I welcomed the colder weather so that I could get serious about my gardening. Like a greenhouse flower, I wilt in extreme temperatures. All the things I had left undone begged me to step outside and tackle them.

For me, this was a time for general cleaning up and implementing my springtime plans. I had many ideas for enhancing my garden, and as I worked, I found that new schemes jumped into my mind altering everything. I have to admit that I am a spontaneous and haphazard gardener. While raking leaves in the area that I had intended to place some Jade plant, I suddenly daydreamed of it being planted with distinctive white Calla Lilies. Did you know that they aren't true lilies, by the way? I had recently excavated some out of a crowded corner of my yard just a short time before. Family members requested that I share my surplus. I had put them in containers in order to keep my promises to give them my lilies, just not so abundantly. I easily changed my "well thought out" plans and enthusiastically tackled my new Lily Patch when a parcel arrived.

I had forgotten my other previous autumn planting concept to create a bed of Stargazer Lilies, and here they were on my doorstep. I was so excited, it was like Christmas! Memory lapse made the surprise shipment even more pleasant. My mind overflowed with visions of pink splendor.

I recall my first introduction to Stargazers just seven years ago. Can you believe I had never seen any before then? Upon entering the home of a friend, I was assaulted by the most intensely breathtaking fragrance that literally commanded my attention. Instead of greeting my friend when she welcomed me in, I blurted out, "What is that incredible smell?" Then I saw the flustered look on her face. Some people think that the word, smell is not pleasant. My nose is in love with gardening as much as my hands, so smells of all sorts have very special appeal for me. I realized the error of my word usage, and quickly covered with scent. “I mean, that enticing scent!”

Smiling, she replied "Stargazer Lilies!" and led me to the exquisite bouquet sitting on the table in another room. I was astounded at their loveliness and have appreciated them ever since. Even though the fragrance can be profoundly concentrated (just one flower in the house can fill your home) I enjoy them. Last summer a catalog came in the mail with Stargazers on the front cover, and I made my very first mail order for plants of any kind. After receiving the package, I quickly got them into the ground. I can hardly wait for spring’s warmth to bring forth my garden fantasies.

I just moved into my house a year ago. The property had not been gardened in maybe twenty years. So I have had a lot of work to do over the past twelve months just clearing and preparing the soil. At a time when most people have put away their garden tools, I am now looking forward to my winter gardening. Oh, and by the way, anybody who wants some Calla Lilies, I have plenty, free for the digging. Call me!

I am reminded of a quote from the book by Elizabeth Lawrence, “Gardens in Winter”

"The season's beauty is in the quality of the sunlight, which is the more luminous when it is less brilliant, and in the delicacy of the shadow, which are paler and more precise than those of spring or summer or fall. On chance, mild days when an incandescent light falls across gravel walks, my garden seems more beautiful than at any other time. The essence of warmth and light is in this delicate sun that seeps into the spirit and penetrates the marrow. At no other season is the sun so grateful so gentle, and so healing. "