Never Forgotten

were you but a memory to me

you would fade away to dust

but diamonds never fade

~~~~~~~~

In memory of those I love who succumbed to Chondrosarcoma

Zen Empty

When life feels bereft

I ask myself,

is this the zen

of nothingness?

Is this the empty nothing

that all seek?

empty so lonely

empty so dark

empty so cold

This is not the peaceful void.

This is sadness enveloped in pain.

Where is the lightness of being?

Where is the void without suffering?

Written Sat Nov 20, 2004

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: 
Not feeling this way anymore. The art is my own creation.

Books in the Spare Bedroom

Revenge of the Middle-Aged Woman
Author: Elizabeth Buchan

Bel Canto
Author: Ann Patchett
  
Long Quiet Highway : Waking Up in America
Author: Natalie Goldberg
   
Children's Writer Guide to 2007
Author: Susan M. Tierney
   
Leap of Faith : Memoirs of an Unexpected Life
Author: Queen Noor

The Mind-Body Problem
Author: Rebecca Goldstein
   
Starting Out in the Evening
Author: Brian Morton

A Cat Is Watching: A Look at the Way Cats See Us
Author: Roger A. Caras

Contented Cat
Author: Nobuo Honda

The Perfect Kitten: How to Raise a Problem Free Cat
Author: Neville

Costumes for Your Cat
Author: Lynn Chang

Education of Oversoul 7
Author: Jane roberts

The Further Education of Oversoul Seven
Author: Jane Roberts
   
Ninja Secrets of Invisibility
Author: Ashida Kim

Ninja Mind Control
Author: Ashida Kim
   
The Pilgrim's Progress
Author: John Bunyan

Not Wanted on the Voyage
Author: Timothy Findley
   
Dynasty of Death
Author: Taylor Caldwell

Captains and the Kings
Author: Taylor Caldwell

Dynasty of Death
Author: Taylor Caldwell

Arab Historians of the Crusades
Author: Francesco Gabrieli

Girl With a Pearl Earring
Author: Tracy Chevalier

A Thousand Splendid Suns
Author: Khaled Hosseini

A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Author: Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen

A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul 
Author: Mark Victor Hansen, Jack Canfield
   
Chicken Soup for the Soul
Author: Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen

Suleiman the Magnificent
Author: Andre Clot

Death Be Not Proud
Author: John J. Gunther

Rivals for the Crown
Author: Kathleen Givens

The Blue Sword
Author: Robin McKinley

Jacob's Ladder: The History of the Human Genome
Author: Henry Gee

Rules for Writers
Author: Diana Hacker

The Reluctant Fundamentalist
Author: Mohsin Hamid
   
City of Dreams: A Novel of Nieuw Amsterdam and Early Manhattan
Author: Beverly Swerling
   
The Beloved Invader
Author: Eugenia Price
   
Raleigh's Lost Colony
Author: David N. Durant

Legends, Lies Cherished Myths of World History
Author: Richard Shenkman
   
City of Glory: A Novel of War and Desire in Old Manhattan
Author: Beverly Swerling
   
Small Miracles: Extraordinary Coincidences from Everyday Life
Author: Yitta Halberstam, Bernie S. Siegel

Defending Andy: One Mother's Fight to Save Her Son from Cancer and the Insurance Industry
Author: Marilyn Azevedo

Frommer's Britain's Best-Loved Driving Tours
Author: Roy Woodcock, John McLlwain

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Bk 4)
Author: J.K. Rowling

The Pillars of the Earth
Author: Ken Follett
   
SHE
Author: H.Rider Haggard

The Name of the Rose: including Postscript to the Name of the Rose
Author: Umberto Eco

The White
Author: Deborah Larsen

Small Miracles: Extraordinary Coincidences from Everyday Life
Author: Yitta Halberstam, Bernie S. Siegel

The Devil's Horsemen : The Mongol Invasion of Europe
Author: Chambers

The Beloved Invader
Author: Eugenia Price

Pleasant Dreams: Nighttime Meditations for Peace of Mind/155
Author: Amy Dean, Amy E. Dean

Secrets of the Widow's Son: The Mysteries Surrounding the Sequel to the Da Vinci Code
Author: Daniel Burstein, David A. Shugarts

MycoMedicinals: An Informational Treatise on Mushrooms
Author: Paul Stamets

Fitness Over Fifty: An Exercise Guide from the National Institute on Aging (With DVD)
Author: The National Institute on Aging, The National Institute on Aging

Acupressure for Lovers : Secrets of Touch for Increasing Intimacy
Author: Michael Reed Phd Gach

Mastering Leptin: The Leptin Diet, Solving Obesity and Preventing Disease, Second Edition
Author: Byron Richards

When Crickets Cry
Author: Charles Martin

Yoga Over 50
Author: Mary Stewart

The Second Coming of Mavala Shikongo: A Novel
Author: Peter Orner

Pleasant Dreams: Nighttime Meditations for Peace of Mind/155
Author: Amy Dean

The Anti-Aging Fitness Prescription
Author: Z. Altug, Tracy Olgeaty Gensler

The Last Templar: The First Knights Templar Mystery
Author: Michael Jecks

Questions and Answers on Death and Dying
Author: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

My Sister's Keeper
Author: Jodi Picoult
   
Galileo's Daughter : A Historical Memoir of Science, Faith, and Love
Author: Dava Sobel

Autobiography of a Face
Author: Lucy Grealy
   
The Essential Handbook of Women's Spirituality
Author: Barbara G. Walker

History of the Arab Peoples
Author: Albert Hourani

The Tartar Khan's Englishman
Author: Gabriel Ronay

Prehistory and the First Civilizations (The Illustrated History of the World, Volume 1)
Author: J. M. Roberts
  
The Templar's Penance
Author: Michael Jecks
  
Witchcraft a Secret History
Author: Michael Streeter
    
Magical Spells for Your Home: How to Bring Magic into Every Area of Your Life
Author: Anne-Marie Gallagher

The Illustrated Discovery Journal : Creating a Visual Autobiography of Your Authentic Self
Author: Sarah Ban Breathnach

Is It in Your Genes?: The Influence of Genes on Common Disorders and Diseases That Affect You and Your Family
Author: Philip R., M.D. Reilly 

The Double Helix : A Personal Account of the Discovery of the Structure of DNA
Author: James D. Watson

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Book 3)
Author: J.K. Rowling
   
Physiology
Author: Peter Abrahams
   
Still Here: Embracing Aging, Changing, and Dying
Author: Ram Dass, Mark Matousek, Marlene Roeder

Seventy Eight Degrees of Wisdom Volume 2 
Author: Rachel Pollack

Our Family Tree Record Book
Author: Mason Linklater
 
The Woman with the Alabaster Jar : Mary Magdalen and the Holy Grail
Author: Margaret Starbird

Essentials of Genetics
Author: William S. Klug, Michael R. Cummings

Creative Digital Photography
Author: Peter Cope
  
The Expected One
Author: Kathleen McGowan

Watching Old Video

.

Dad's habit

patting his bald head

Mom rubbing her sore leg

How straight is his profile

from nose to chin...

that "stiff upper lip"

he always said to keep.

How tired she looks

saying goodbye

them walking... holding hands.

Highlights from a Day in the Life...

Insomnia til 3 AM. Awake at 6. Wow! I got three straight hours. Kitty brings his mousie. I throw. He chases and returns with his prize, over and over again. He tires before I do, panting on the bed, mousie between his paws. I envy his droopy eyes. Too awake, I fix tea and toast, turn on the computer, check email. A good friend is diagnosed. Not the way to begin a day. I cry.

Phone rings, I miss the call, the important call I was waiting for. I can't call them back. Drats! I trip over kitty while getting the snail mail, there's the utility bill! Need I say more?

I crawl back into bed, a book in my hand. I awaken confused, a half hour before my appointment. Throw on yesterday's clothes, still wearing slippers, I run out of the house, my snarls wearing the hair brush.

Since I arrived late, I have to wait for the other patients to be seen first. On the way home, I stop at the fruit stand to enjoy a brief respite, drooling over strawberries, melon, banana, and fresh baked raisin bread. My rewards for a rough day.

Lugging my treasures through the parking lot, I realize my car has the keys locked inside, and trudge back into the store. I need to use their phone as my cell is with the keys! I call a taxi to take me home and wait while I break into my house to find spare keys and return me. I have to pay for the wait time as well as mileage. Forty seven bucks for strawberries, melon, banana, and raisin bread!

Finally, at home I can relax, take this morning's pills, settle down with a cup of tea, talk on the cell. While I grab the channel selector to watch the news, my cell falls into the tea!

Time to go to bed and hope for sleep.

Wood and Water

.

My mother always said my sister Satsu was like wood; as rooted to the earth as a sakura tree.

But she told me I was like water. Water can carve its way even through stone...and when trapped, water makes a new path...

Now I understood the thing I´d overlooked; the point wasn´t to become a geisha but to be one. To become a geisha...well, that was hardly a purpose in life. But to be a geisha... I could see it now as a stepping-stone to something else. After all, these are not the memoirs of an empress, nor of a queen. These are memoirs of another kind.

From: Memoirs of a Geisha

Loss

From Memories of a Geisha~~~

At the temple, there is a poem called "Loss", carved into the stone.

It has three words...but the poet has scratched them out.

You cannot read "Loss"... Only feel it.

The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves...

Until one day there are none.

No hopes.

Nothing remains.

Summer Swim Party

In college, my professor invited us all to his house for a barbecue, and swim. Our families were invited, too. We were thoroughly enjoying ourselves laughing about how Seymour's dog would eat fallen avocados from the tree. No wonder he was so fat and glossy!

Marissa, let out a scream and, stunned, I watched as she dove into the deep end of the pool where her toddler was quickly sinking to the bottom. We'd never heard a sound out of the child, no splashing, no crying out.

Call it Mother's Instinct that Marissa had looked up just at that moment. But call it Mother's Death Defying Heroism that she leaped into the pool and saved her drowning son.

As Marissa resurfaced wild eyed, with little Brian held high in her arms she choked "I can't swim!"

Fortunately, two others had jumped into the pool right behind her and were able to rescue them both.

I am reminded of this harrowing incident in my life by a drowning that occurred yesterday by the local news that seven people were rescued yesterday. Sadly one of them died.

Most of us probably think that when someone is drowning, they spend some time thrashing about in the water calling for help. But, as it was with little Brian, he quietly sunk. Simple as that. People don't always appear to be drowning when they are drowning.

As for Marissa and Brian? She had seen him just in time. The few seconds he was under the water was sufficient for him to have a bit of coughing and crying once out of the pool. No CPR was necessary. Just the same, we took them to the emergency room to make sure he was okay. Thankfully, he was.

A Thought on Writing

"For a writer, life is always too short to write.
I will just try my best during what remains of my life." 

~~~ Cao Yu 1910 - 1996

How to Make Mom's Potato Salad

She never measured so do what you like!

My Grandmother used to boil the potatoes whole and cut them after cooking. And I remember Mom doing it that way when I was very little, until one day she got frustrated with how long it took to get them to boil and how hot the kitchen got.

So... cut the potatoes into the size chunks you want to be eating.

Boil to well done, and drain.

Mom made them well done so that some of the potato would be mushy and mix in well with the mayo.

While potatoes are still hot and in the pan, pour pickle juice to soak into potatoes

(She used Dill pickle juice. She said this was the "secret" to her potato salad to have the pickle juice soaked into the potatoes. I know she meant more flavorful than other people's recipe, but she never would have said that.)

When potatoes have cooled down some but still a little warm, transfer to bowl and stir in celery seed and dill weed. It's called weed, but what is meant by that is, it's the green leafy part of the plant and not the dill seeds.

Let sit a little longer to let the spice flavors sink in, then add:
chopped celery
chopped pickles
chopped boiled egg
chopped cucumber, take out the seeds first.

Use sweet pickles or relish here to compliment the dill flavor. Use a LOT of celery so there will be a little crunch in the salad. Smoosh the yolks and sprinkle over the potatoes and stir in later with the mayonaise.

Add chopped or sliced black olives (if desired). Mom didn't always have them.

After having mixed in the above, add mayonaise, a little mustard to give it color, and black pepper.

(This is where I have changed the recipe. I use brown mustard that has the seeds in it, and I do it to add flavor and not just color.)

Smooth the now finished mixture to make flat across top of container.

Nice and neat, put a layer of sliced boiled egg and thinly sliced cucumber and decorate with some of the olives, to make it look pretty. Sprinkle liberally with paprika to finish the artistry.

Refrigerate AT LEAST an hour before chowing down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note: Mom's name was Genevieve Borden Deane

If You Could See Me Now

Perhaps there is nothing supernatural about death.
Perhaps there is.

Some believe that when it is over, it is over. The body dies, there is nobody home.

Some believe that the soul or spirit of a person leaves the body and moves on to another place. Heaven, or the next life, or some ghostly realm or into the ether as molecules, or ???

Obviously, we don't have all the answers. For me, it comes down to personal choice of what I want to believe, regardless of what someone else tells me that I should believe based on their interpretations.

Found a website some time ago where a woman wrote a letter or poem to her sister. It is a Christian oriented site and it is beautifully done. The song accompanying it is, "If You Could See Me Now" by Kim Noblett, and the lyrics are the first part of the web page. The second part has a letter written to the caregiver of the woman who died (I think).

I like the part that says:

"Speak often to me, for I am just a whisper away and I will hear and answer you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dedicated to three beloved people who passed away last month, and their bereaved families.

One Step at a Time

One Step at a Time by Lenor Madruga Chappel

Lenor's story of living through extremely frightening circumstances is truly mouth dropping, amazing.

Not only did she face being diagnosed with a very rare bone cancer, chondrosarcoma, but the only effective treatment for her was a full amputation (hemipelvectomy) with surgical removal of her leg and a portion of her pelvis. During a time in my life when I was faced with the same diagnosis, and so discouraged,  I was given this book by my mother. It gave me the hope to carry on to realize a mother with children could not only survive, but thrive.

Lenor's story of how she dealt with her diagnosis, her surgical experience and her positive recovery is more than inspiring.

Though the diagnosis and surgical aspects of her story sound frightening, this book is not gory. It is uplifting and positive. It teaches by example how to get inner strength through such an incredibly devastating life circumstance. Even without facing such medical possibilities, this is a book for anyone to benefit from reading.

Can be purchased at iUniverse

Birthing Life

Sixty five years ago
in the darkness
I became aware
of a soft tangerine light
mesmerizing,
an increasing warmth
seeping around me
becoming hot, oppressive, 
squeezing like a vice grip
I wanted escape,
only to discover
I could not move.  
Paralyzed.
and a constant hammering,
vibrating which seemed
somehow reassuring.
Suddenly I was free.
The world was filled
with bright light
I was born.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: Picture is my own digital artwork

What Inspires You?

"We are more than what we do, much more than what we accomplish, far more than what we possess."

~~~ William Arthur Ward 

 Grace Cathedral, San Francisco, California

Saying Good-Bye

I've noticed that even with those who have round the clock family members to sit with the dying, it occasionally occurs that the person dies when someone has momentarily stepped out of the room. I think the patient knows when it is time to go. Some psychologists say there are those who seem to hang on until no one is around as if they want to leave freely, without famly clinging to them, perhaps holding them back. They also say that a person will hang on for much longer than expected as though they have one last thing to do, one last person to kiss goodbye.


This is how it was with my father. All the family came in to see him. Dad's sons and daughters, the adult grandchildren, the great grandchildren, even the great great grandchildren. Dear friends came and some called.

My brothers and sister, my daughter and I had all taken turns being with him. That last night we all had said good night at different times. I was the last to leave. Except my sister, who stayed in the room in case Dad needed anything. She sat in the lazy boy chair right next to his bed with her feet up. Among all the family members, my sister was the one who had spent the most time tirelessly attending to Dad's needs. She was the most likely one to spend her nights there beside him. All he had to do was whisper and she was asking what he might want, even if she was in deep sleep she would hear him. Truly, a devoted daughter.

They say just before someone dies, their breathing changes and some unusual noises are produced, perhaps a snore or two. But, somehow, with my sister right there beside him,  Daddy quietly slipped away. To this day she wonders why she didn't hear him have those breath sounds. Maybe he just didn't want to disturb her and let her rest.