PINK HATS

I have been crocheting hats for chemo patients for about a year now. I've decided to make as many pink ones as I can for this month. That way, I will have an opportunity for introducing the subject of breast cancer awareness to anyone who might see me crocheting.

Typical question: "Oh. What's that you're making?"

"I'm making hats to donate to chemo patients."

"Oh, wow! That's so cool!"

"Thank you. I'm doing them all in pink this month."

"Do you make a different color for each month?"

"No. But this month is special."

"Why is that?"

"October is breast cancer awareness month."

Maybe I'm a little late on this. Perhaps I should have done them last month so I could donate them to my oncologist's office this month! Next year, I will start early.

Ferdinand Victor Eugène Delacroix

ARE YOU IN THE PINK?

We've all had a blue day. But, have you ever had a Pink Day? How about a Pink Month?

Every year in October, for breast cancer awareness, funding is raised by individuals organizing activities such as theme parties or have a "pink day" on the job where work mates might wear pink clothing, or accessories at work. This brings home the importance of breast cancer awareness and the need for research. (and CURE!) Taking it out of the closet, putting it in the open... right on the table, so to speak, helps those affected by breast cancer. Breast cancer affects everyone, whether the realize it or not. (more on that later) The money raised is donated to the organizers' choice of breast cancer care or research programs. There are so many to from which to choose.

VERY FUNNY ! TAKE A LOOK TO THE DYING SWAN (GUY) DANCING

Mother's Memories

I was staying at my parent's house to help out after Mom's stroke and dead asleep on the couch when the phone rang.

"Mom... Mom! Turn on the TV. We're at war! We're being attacked!"

It took me a moment to realize my daughter was serious. I signaled to my father to turn on the TV and we watched in horror while mom slept in the bedroom. I told Dad to give her a tranquilizer in her morning pills, so she slept through the worst of it. Dad and I on the other hand sat there glued to the set watching the repeats of the airplanes hitting the World Trade Center. Neither of us said a word.

Worrying about Mom, prevented me to feel anything but numb and disbelieving until I got home a week later to discover that my dear friend's daughter, who worked in the WTC was on the phone with her when it happened.

She explained it to me all so matter of fact. We were talking one minute, and the next there was silence. She has a three year old little boy. My son-in-law's gonna miss her. Did I tell you my daughter was the one who bought me my computer and paid for my lessons? So, how was your visit at your mother's? I hope she's recovering well.

I had all I could do to hold myself together for her sake, but cried all the way home because, only then, did it hit me. This was real, not a movie, not a foggy dream. It happened. And there's no going back. No way to patch it up, fix things, or make it right again.

Sweetness Exists!

Came across this when I was trying to remember the goofy movie that this song premiered in. (can you guess?) This is not the original performance. This is the one I can savour, and guess what, for the first time in many, many weeks, I'm relaxed and enjoying the music and visuals. I hope you will too.

Jazzed

I am so jazzed!

My son has been away at Burning Man. He just left and in on the way back to his home in SF. Still out there in the middle of nowhere and he calls me on his cell phone to share some of the happiness he is feeling.

As a mother of an adult child, I cannot express my gratitude enough. People make jokes about Mommas who try to hold on to their kids after they've grown up, who interfere in their lives. They joke about men who are Momma's boys. So it is painful for us Mom's to hear these kinds of things. We still want a relationship. I still want a relationship with my kids, as adults. Too often they live their lives on their own, and that's okay, but there is a certain loneliness that comes with staying outside of the loop. For years with my daughter, the miles separated us, a church separated us. There were misunderstandings. I didn't know what was going on with her life, or how to be there for her when she wanted me to, and how to back off when she wanted me to.

Now of course with the internet, we all, are much more connected through facebook. My kids, my grandkids are all on it, and we read each other's posts. I get to know them better, their little quirks, their big successes, the process of their growth and more about their lives than ever before. In the process, I hope they are learning about me, too. I hope they are learning to like me more, love me more than if we were all separated as before. I felt I was the mystery mom, they mystery grandma. Even though my great grandkids are not on fb, I learn what's up with them in their daily lives through my grandkids.

So back to Burning Man homecoming. It just thrills me to be called. I wonder if I am the first. Doesn't matter really, but it makes me feel good. I can be someone to share with. I can be a support. I can be an ear to listen, and occasional an opinion to be stated. Whether it is used or not is beside the point, at least I get listened to. Perhaps it gets filed away for future use, and I know that's true, because I have seen it happen. So for all the young people out there who groan to think they don't want Mom to be in their lives, I hope they can give it another viewpoint and see that their is a possibility that a parent can be a friend of sorts. I know I can never be the same kind of friends as actual peers, but that's okay. I know I fit into another kind of slot.

So now, off the phone and him going to go get something to eat on the way home, I express my joy here and hope we can still be close.

He mentioned something about his realization that family means a lot to me, and that is why I have such a hard time grieving the death of my cat. Because she was family to me. Like a child even. Her twenty years with me were deeper. she didn't go away to school. She didn't develop an independence away from me. Yes, we clung to each other. I'm sure that if I died first, she would have grieved for me. Stopped eating maybe, walk around the house and yeowl. Not be happy at another person's home. Get withdrawn and hide in a closet or under a dresser and just want to be alone. Hmmm. that sounds a little like me.

He also mentioned he wondered how I would be if he or one of his sisters were to die, how would I react. I'm sure it would be worse. It would be harder on me than this. And I dread it. Same if Kats died. I don't know how I would manage if any of my family died. It is hard enough as it is that Keli died. I know there would be differing degrees of grief for each one. Maybe my grandchildren would be less grief for me than my own kids. At least I'm thinking it would be. And great grandkids. Though I love them dearly, perhaps less. I think it is proximity that would be part of that, and how much regular intimate communication. With Therese, I don't know. Would I feel disconnected as I do now. Don't know how to reach her as it is. A stranger practically. It seems when we do connect it is too easy for misunderstandings to form. But, then I wonder would I grieve the most because she was the one lost to me? All those years of thinking about her, wondering how she was, feeling at a loss that she was gone, wondering if there could have been anything I could have done different. Feeling guilty for my ignorance at the time, that it didn't have to be the way it turned out. Already have grieved over her for a long long time. But if she died, would my grief be based upon the fact that we never did connect in a true sense to at least be friends. She is so much like me. It would be so easy to like her, to love her, and to enjoy her in my life. would I greive so much harder because we never got to heal the wounds?

Mystery Cloud

As I came out of the thrift shop I looked at the sky and had a moment of, "oh, my". I had never seen anything like that before. Made me thing of an oppositional tornado, or reverse image, or something. I'm sure my science fiction friends or science minded friends would have a better name for it. But, I just had to stop and take a picture.

Cancer gave me the gift of life and hope through terrible sufferring

There was a time when cancer was a long drawn out time in my life with many recurrences and aftereffects that never stop.

I didn't think much of it at the time, but lately was made aware how it might have had an impact on others.

So, I wrote some friends. This is what I asked:

Were you affected by it?
Do you have one memory in particular that stands out in your mind?
Was there maybe one moment of inspiration or discouragement that came from the experience of knowing me and knowing that I had a history of cancer?
Was there some realization that came to you that touched your life?
Even if the way my cancer affected my life after I was done with the worst of it?
Did you gain some new understanding by knowing that I had that experience?

A dear old friend who I hadn't been in touch with for a while responded:

I think perhaps the most important thing to consider is the uncertainty of having a friend who is uncertain about her future. At the same time as you seemed positive that you would be alive the next year; you also seemed to be reluctant to plan very far ahead. And I suspect that you often missed opportunities in your life that would have required a long-term commitment to something beside your disease. Now I don't know you well enough to know how many of those opportunities were simply impossible because of your disease, and how often you might have used the disease as an excuse for not doing something, or how often the simple uncertainly of not knowing what the future held made it see impossible to plan ahead. But I'll bet that if you had known that you would still be here at the age you are now, after all these years, you would have planned a lot differently and would have taken advantage of more opportunities.

I was deeply touched that my old friend had these insights and it got me to thinking about them. Most definitely I would have lived my life differently if I knew that I was going to survive. But, I think I wouldn't have treasured life the way I do. I don't think I would have dared to do so many things as I have. (I didn't care if I was taking a risk, after all, I was going to die anyways, was my attitude) On the other hand, I could have completed my education, could have planned on a career, an income, a retirement fund.

I can't say I would have had a marriage that would last, or a home filled with children. I did get married a few times. Having cancer return over and over again can really stress out a marriage. Having long term medical consequences due to the cancer, but not the cancer itself, can be terribly confusing, not only to husbands, and families but friends and strangers as well.

Sure, I might be able to hiking one day, but be laid up in bed the next. Gives people conflicting messages. You know what I mean?

I actually did have a home at one point, a job, not a career, but hope that I might be able to work permanently, but those dreams were dashed. So owning a home, became owning a 1947 mobile home, if you can call it that. A trailer home is the right word for it. Beyond that never again. Always a renter. One time in a tent for a short while til a friend took me in.

For me, it's true... Home is where the heart is.

The more I think about it, I realize I am deeply touched by what my friend wrote. His insight gave me a intake of breath, and something to think about that had never occurred to me.

I don't think I ever gave much consideration to the uncertaintly that others might have felt about my own uncertainty in making plans. Though, I think I had grown used to being aware that some others cut off being friends because I couldn't always keep a date to do things with them. Plans for out to breakfast or a movie, or whatever, often had to be cancelled on a moment's notice simply because all of a sudden I didn't feel well. And that doesn't always win friends who want to someone reliable. Not everyone understood the fluctuations in my health. Usually whenever anyone saw me in public, I looked okay, so because I wasn't seen as unwell, it was hard to believe there were times when I couldn't function. And of course I seldom went out when I wasn't well, so no one ever really saw me that way. They just couldn't make the connection.

One thing I have no regrets about is, even though I wasn't certain about the long term future, it just made me live for the moment, and take every opportunity I would not have considered in the past, had I been without the long term history of cancer.

It turns out having cancer became a gift for me. Gave me rights and freedoms, I never would have considered before I had cancer. Sometimes I took chances with my life that were dangerous as I mentioned earlier. Mountain climbing in a rural area in high heat, with a camera taking, lots of film but no water. What was I thinking? I just wanted to capture beauty on film. But without sufficient water? Stupid, yes. But at that moment when doctors were telling me to stay home and wait it out, I felt I had nothing to lose but my life, and damn it, I'd rather go the exciting way. Why stay home in bed to die, if I can help it? Get out and DO something! If there is a will, there is a way, they say. I could barely walk that day, had to use a cane. But, it was worth every struggling step, every drop of sweat, and the joy of seeing my child explore the wilderness, while Mommy poked along. Don't worry, he knew not to wander off.

Of course, there were those days when all I could do was just lie abed and just wish I could be somewhere else. But, those days have their own special qualities, too. Some not so great. But, there's always something to gather from ones' experiences. Don't you think? One can learn from the "negatives".

My dear friend was right about my having missed opportunities in life I didn't always have a nagging feeling maybe I wouldn't be around long enough to meet a goal, any goal. That's why I never had a career, though I had a plethora of jobs and volunteering, and going back to school under auspices of Vocational Rehabilitation, in order to return to work. Imagine my disappointment in learning I had a return of tumor to put the kabosh (sp) on it all. I had taken the pre-requisites for medical school, Well almost.... still missing a few credits. If I had firm hope, perhaps I would have gone back and finished, but I did not.

Then, there were all those years I just kept going to school for the sheer sake of the joy of learning, regardless of outcome. I changed majors constantly so I wouldn't have to graduate. I could do that here in CA, don't know if it can be done elsewhere.

My life always seems incomplete. I feel everything has been interrupted. Hopes and plans are not allowed. Keep everything short term. That's the way to live my life, because you never know when cancer is going to come back and change all your ideas, change your geography, change your group of friends.

There's a few things I do wish I could have done. Have my artwork known, and published, for example. I've written a lot over the years but never disciplined enough to polish anything off. Besides, starting things is what I do. There is no promise of fulfillment. So, the starting of things is fulfillment enough. I have so many unfinished stories, a collection of unmatched poetry, a ton of diaries, so many different styles of artwork..... nothing finished.... nothing finessed.... incomplete.

If I still have one thing I'd like to do, I'd write my autobiography. Well, in a way I do that anyway, but I wish it could become published and make an impression on other people's lives.

"Did you read that book about the woman who had cancer, lost one of her kids to adoption, had all those failed marriages with men who couldn't deal with her illness? Wasn't it amazing how she learned to walk, when they said she couldn't? And she's still alive after all this time. Her cancer was so rare. I've never even heard of it. Have you? What was it called anyways? I forget. But, I will never forget that book!"

Pipe dreams. I'm not a celebrity. It wouldn't sell. Blah! Still I write, though not well organized.

And still, there is so much more to write..... Maybe here is good enough.

Bambi, the pure white cat

I adopted Bambi on my birthday to come live with me, Jeffery, and Ninja. She is a sweet but feisty soul!

A fire started today up in the Santa Cruz Mountains near Bonny Doon. The news is saying it started off of Empire Grade Rd.

Shake Your Tail Feather!

The first 26 seconds are a little slow but that bird can outdance you! This is FUNNY!!!

Breathing Beauty

From within the soft
moist darkness
of my mothers’ womb,
I was entranced
by the diffuse orange glow.
She had been hanging clothes
on the line, breathing in
that great surge of energy
women have before delivery.

Born at sunset solstice day.
I didn’t always remember;
until it came to my memory
during a meditation
in the mountains
thirty years hence.

Sunset is still
my favorite time.
At the beach
I just sit,
watch,
feel,
and be with that tangerine sky
after the blue
before the pink
at dusk
when,
just for a moment,
beauty pervades everything.

It is then
I take my next "First Breath"
and begin life, again.

Overheated Lemon

Dont EVER buy a Toshiba laptop s6916.

I bought one brand new just last week.

It's so hot on the touch pad (touchpad) that, after just an hour of use my fingers were burning. Even my palms turned red. I got a thermometer, the kind you stick in your mouth and laid it against the underneath of touchpad. It registered 100.3 degrees farenheit.

Took it back, they gave me another.

The second one was hot too even though, this time I used a cooling pad beneath it. Then it totally crashed in 5 hours. I got a pixelated white screen. Really don't want to keep a lemon that crashes on the first day. So I took it back, too.

I know that with laptops they make things so they can squeeze as much as possible into as small a space as possible, so it will do the most work and run the fastest and all that. But, does anybody ever test their completed product with real people? A geek that has five computers spread out on the desk with all the right accessories is not the best person to test out a new laptop. I'm a retired housewife. (Does anybody use that word anymore?) I run an online support group. I can be on the computer many hours a day.

If I cannot sit at my computer and type away, or click away without pain, then Toshiba didn't do a very good job of having their s6916 laptop tested.

I'm really sad about it. My previous laptop is a Toshiba. I've had it since 2004, and I loved it. But, I needed something faster now, with more power, and more storage and all that. So, of course, I wanted another Toshiba, but what a disappointment!

I googled Toshiba s6916 and learned that others had the same problem with the heat as I did. There were links to Toshiba site where people had written in about it but when I clicked those links another page came up instead of the one with the quotes that showed up on Google. Even tried the Google cache page but Toshiba page took right over. Guess they don't like for people to say they have a problem with their product.

They ought to just do a recall, and be honest about it.

If I see something public like that, perhaps I would reconsider getting a Toshiba product again in the future. But right now, I would not want to get stuck with a lemon like that again. Thank heavens I was able to return the second one, and get another brand entirely.