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Welcome

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Make yourself at home. Put your feet up. Grab your favorite beverage and prepare to enjoy the reads.
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Thursday

9 Epiphanies You May Never Have Thought About.

#1. You are not your mind.
The first time I heard somebody say that, I didn’t like the sound of it one bit. What else could I be? I had taken for granted that the mental chatter in my head was the central “me” that all the experiences in my life were happening to.

I see quite clearly now that life is nothing but passing experiences, and my thoughts are just one more category of things I experience. Thoughts are no more fundamental than smells, sights and sounds. Like any experience, they arise in my awareness, they have a certain texture, and then they give way to something else.

If you can observe your thoughts just like you can observe other objects, who’s doing the observing? Don’t answer too quickly. This question, and its unspeakable answer, are at the center of all the great religions and spiritual traditions.

#2. Life unfolds only in moments.
Of course! I once called this the most important thing I ever learned. Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding. That means life’s only challenge is dealing with the single moment you are having right now. Before I recognized this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening. Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful. Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present. But we can kill ourselves trying.


#3. Quality of life is determined by how you deal with your moments, not which moments happen and which don’t.
I now consider this truth to be Happiness 101, but it’s amazing how tempting it still is to grasp at control of every circumstance to try to make sure I get exactly what I want. To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and happy person. Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking it – and suffering nothing from it. There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up. That is how to make life better. The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you want more often. There’s an excellent line in a Modest Mouse song, celebrating this side-effect of wisdom: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.

#4. Most of life is imaginary.
Human beings have a habit of compulsive thinking that is so pervasive that we lose sight of the fact that we are nearly always thinking. Most of what we interact with is not the world itself, but our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our personal interests in it. We have a very difficult time observing something without confusing it with the thoughts we have about it, and so the bulk of what we experience in life is imaginary things. As Mark Twain said: “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” The best treatment I’ve found? Cultivating mindfulness.

#5. Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we are better at suffering than anything else.
Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.

#6. Emotions exist to make us biased.
This discovery was a complete 180 from my old understanding of emotions. I used to think my emotions were reliable indicators of the state of my life — of whether I’m on the right track or not. Your passing emotional states can’t be trusted for measuring your self-worth or your position in life, but they are great at teaching you what it is you can’t let go of. The trouble is that emotions make us both more biased and more forceful at the same time. Another survival mechanism with nasty side-effects.

#7.  All people operate from the same two motivations: to fulfill their desires and to escape their suffering.
Learning this allowed me to finally make sense of how people can hurt each other so badly. The best explanation I had before this was that some people are just bad. What a cop-out. No matter what kind of behavior other people exhibit, they are acting in the most effective way they are capable of (at that moment) to fulfill a desire or to relieve their suffering. These are motives we can all understand; we only vary in method, and the methods each of us has at our disposal depend on our upbringing and our experiences in life, as well as our state of consciousness. Some methods are skillful and helpful to others, others are unskillful and destructive, and almost all destructive behavior is unconscious. So there is no good and evil, only smart and dumb (or wise and foolish). Understanding this completely shook my long-held notions of morality and justice.

#8. Beliefs are nothing to be proud of.
Believing something is not an accomplishment. I grew up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they’re really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because “strength of belief” is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you’ve made it a part of your ego. Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs and you are listening to somebody who will never hear what you say on any matter that matters to them — unless you believe the same. It is gratifying to speak forcefully, it is gratifying to be agreed with, and this high is what the die-hards are chasing. Wherever there is a belief, there is a closed door. Take on the beliefs that stand up to your most honest, humble scrutiny, and never be afraid to lose them.

#9. Objectivity is subjective.
Life is a subjective experience and that cannot be escaped. Every experience I have comes through my own, personal, unsharable viewpoint. There can be no peer reviews of my direct experience, no real corroboration. This has some major implications for how I live my life. The most immediate one is that I realize I must trust my own personal experience, because nobody else has this angle, and I only have this angle. Another is that I feel more wonder for the world around me, knowing that any “objective” understanding I claim to have of the world is built entirely from scratch, by me. What I do build depends on the books I’ve read, the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had. It means I will never see the world quite like anyone else, which means I will never live in quite the same world as anyone else — and therefore I mustn’t let outside observers be the authority on who I am or what life is really like for me. Subjectivity is primary experience — it is real life, and objectivity is something each of us builds on top of it in our minds, privately, in order to explain it all. This truth has world-shattering implications for the roles of religion and science in the lives of those who grasp it.

Wednesday

Death Changes Everything

I look back upon other deaths in my life and see them differently. My father didn't want any fuss to be made, no viewing, no ceremony. He just wanted to be cremated, and be done with it.

Gennie and James Deane age 85 and 90
Both my parents had expressed this as their choice for years. Yet, when Dad died, it was immediately obvious that, though we would respect the wish for cremation, we would still go through the nice dressed up appearance, the new tie to go with Dad's favorite suit, the make up for his face to look healthy and happy.

Though, I thought that smile was probably broader than any my father had ever made, it was still better in appearance than what it might have been. There was no fancy, expensive coffin, but a temporary one. I don't recall what it was called, they had a special name for it. Sturdy, yet disposable, something that would burn with him, for little expense. Perhaps some sort of cardboard?

We went against Dad's wishes for the sake of our Mom's comfort. Her grief was so intense, we did this to help give her some closure, to help her face the fact that his physical presence would not continue to be with her, to help her make that transition into widowhood as best as possible. It gave her the chance to be dressed up for him, for her to say goodbye. After all, he died when she was asleep. When we woke her, she tried to revive him. Perhaps she thought she might have prevented his death if she had not been sleeping. We like to think that going through with a ceremony, a priest, a church as she was brought up with, as was familiar to her, would help to bring some sort of comfort to her.

Monday

Letter to a Dead Mother (2)


Dear Mom,

It was nice to smell the aroma of my childhood today as I sipped my cup of coffee. Yes, it's true! I didn't have my tea. I made me a "cuppa" in remembrance of you. Wish you could sit here with me to enjoy it.

I wonder if there is anything to the notion of treating ancestors to earthly gifts. Would it be nice for you if you could get a whiff? A taste? Kats has a shelf where pictures of his parents are displayed. Every morning he puts a cup of coffee and a bowl of rice in front of them, out of respect and remembrance.

I remember when Dad was close to death and he couldn't eat, he said he didn't miss food. But, coffee... oh if he could just have a taste! So, we dipped a cloth in a cup of coffee and touched it to his tongue. Would you have liked that?

No, I think not. In your last days you were a chai drinker. Weren't you? Tomorrow I will make a cup of chai and drink it joyfully in honor of you. Yes, honor you. I didn't do enough of that when you were around, except maybe on Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas. The rest of the year, you knocked yourself out working for a living and being our mom. How did you do it back in the 1950's when being a working mom was not very acceptable? I certainly didn't appreciate it. I felt resentful that I had to babysit and do things around the house while other kids were out playing. And it didn't help that others made it clear to me how "deprived of a childhood" I was. Especially other adults!

I remember some neighbor saying, "Oh? Your mother works? She should be home taking care of you kids! Tsk, Tsk."  Soon I decided to not mention your being employed. I let my resentment simmer. Today, of course, a woman who is co-owner of a business, present on the job, AND a mother is valued. Today you could have held your head high for your achievements and not be embarrassed. And perhaps I would have been proud of my mom and the responsibilities she entrusted me with.

I remember that last decade of your life, Mom. You fussed and worried and apologized repeatedly. "I should never have left you kids on your own. I should have been there for you. Maybe things would have been better if I never worked."

James and Genevieve Deane, Easter 1950s
8295 Laughlin Dr. Niagara Falls New York 
I don't know how many times we all tried to reassure you that things really were better for us that way. We all became quite self-sufficient and independent. I didn't envy other kids much for having their mothers at home nagging on them all the time, making them mind their manners, making them stay indoors when the whole outdoors was our playground. We had freedom, Mom! Other kids didn't have that. I secretly felt quite smug about that.

I could go across the street to the park and swing on the swings when other kids had to come in and do their homework. I could watch cartoons all Saturday morning if I liked. I learned how to shop for food on my own. All of us kids had freedom to wander and wonder at what other kids were forbidden. We played in the woods nearby. We dug in the dirt without worrying about getting dirty. We had life as a gift to discover without constraint. Some people thought we were a bit wild. And yes, some parents wouldn't let their kids play with us. So what? We didn't like those prissy kids all that much anyways.

Mom, I hope there is a way now, you can see that it all worked out for the best. Can you see we are all getting through life with solid confidence that we can make it, regardless of the challenges? We learned to make mistakes. Unlike other kids, we knew how to fall down and pick ourselves up.  If we scraped our knees, we knew to go home, clean up, put a band aid on, and get back out in the world ourselves. You kissed our boo boos later, if we thought to tell you. Me? I usually didn't. I was too busy complaining about having to do the dishes or whining about having to clean my room. But, only when you really got after me to get those things done.

Of course, there were a few motherly cuddles we missed. But, you were there for us when we grew up and you didn't have to work, couldn't work, anymore. I could call you anytime and tell you all my problems. You didn't try to tell me what to do. You listened. You held your tongue. I know it was hard for you. I know now you could see I was making the same mistakes you had. I wonder if it would have been different if your mother hadn't died when I was a baby. Maybe she would have told you. Then, maybe you could have guided me in the same way. You had no experience raising kids, or relating to your adult kids. Yet, I blamed you for not being a better mom. Yet there I was as a troubled adult, reaching out to you. It's so odd, now that I think about it. Sometimes I thought you were my worst enemy. But, I look back and see you weren't.

I didn't realize it at the time, but your listening to me on the phone was better than gold to me. You know better than anyone the twisted turmoil I inflicted upon myself the secrets of my heart, the troubles of my soul. You put up with a lot of my taking it out on you, my blaming you for my troubles.

I remember you saying, "Yes, yes, it's always the mother's fault her kids are unhappy. Just ask any shrink!" I didn't know how much that hurt you, that we couldn't be close. You bent over backwards to help me, to be there for me. But, you didn't know what I needed. Not really. How could you have known? I certainly didn't. You didn't have a parenting manual. You didn't have a psychology degree to help you with your unstable daughter. How it must have tormented you when I couldn't get effective treatment, when I got so despondent I didn't want to live. I can barely stand it when my own daughter faces her grief. What pains her, pains me. I don't know how you did it, Mom.

I know sometimes you got upset, you worried about me doing the wrong thing, worried I was suffering because of the way I lived my life. Some mothers turn their backs on their adult children when they don't like how they live. Some mothers let go of the apron strings right when the kids leave the nest. They disconnect from their kids, then wonder why they are so distant. They live out their "golden years" disenchanted.

Grown up or not, I was still your child. I remember you saying that more than once. I think the last time you said that to me was when you were eighty-six, and I was sixty-one. "No matter how old you are, you will always be my child".

Whether it is real or not, whether you know what I'm feeling or not, it doesn't matter. I'm so glad I finally found this way to feel connected to you again. It's been a lonely five years without you.

You know what Mom? No matter where you are now, you'll always be my mother.

Acknowledging Pain

Pain is my friend. 

Once I realized that pain was my "body adviser, or mentor", I paid attention to it instead of trying to ignore it. 

I taught myself how to treat it, how to prevent it, how to work with it, and accept that it comes and goes. 

And my life choices can still be enjoyed. 

Yes, I go with the pain. 

For me, I understand that the strength I gain from living life fully, even with pain, is only part of what it's all about. 




Pain is like the weather.... It's changeable.

Today I had a medical procedure to help relieve some pain I've been dealing with for a long time. 

It didn't go well and I ended up in more pain. 

But, I know it will change in a few days as the steroids take effect,.

Then I can return to my methods of physical therapy to strengthen and enhance what my body can do.



(Note: in case you think I don't know what pain is, this is the result of bone cancer, chondrosarcoma from 45 years ago. The pain my body carries never ceases. It is always there in varying degrees. Always.)






Solar Panels Opinion

I don't think Big Business and the Electric Company folks are going to support this brilliant plan. When solar energy can be created so that the average person can hang a "curtain" in their window of something as simple as that, I doubt there's much chance it's going to go big. I want to tell the inventors of such things to tell me how to do it myself... use old mayonnaise jars or aluminum cans or whatever so I can turn on the washing machine or heat bath water and erase that carbon footprint. Sorry to sound negative, but I find my own personal opportunities to be lacking. That's my reality. Solar energy? Not happening. #justsaying

Saturday

The Doctor's Cemetery

Today, I drove into parking lot at my doctor's office which overlooks the cemetery

I've always thought it odd his office should be located there where patients can have the visual reminder of their mortality. 

I felt just a tinge of irony until I saw several people walking the paths wearing Ipods or just talking with one another, a guy on a bike, a woman with a dog on a leash. 

The juxtaposition of the very much living with those very far gone away threw me back in time... sitting in the car with friends driving through to the end where the pond was, throwing stones and munching on treats. 

Still, even the boys wanted to make sure we got back to the car and out of there before the sun went down. No one made jokes or poked fun at one another for feeling squeamish, it was just an unspoken understanding that it was time to leave.

Friday

Dish Drainer Dreams

My metal.. plastic coated dish drainer has gotten so rusty through the cracked plastic that I've been looking for another at the Goodwill. People just don't seem to donate good dish drainers these days!

Finally! I saw the perfect replacement, just like the dish drainer I have, only not cracked and rusty. Looked like it had never seen a dish and was longing to caress one, or many... whatever it's dreams.

It was sitting in a shopping cart in the corner with other stuff where the workers often leave things they are supposed to be putting on shelves, but walked off and left to take a break... or whatever their dreams may be. Ecstatic, I helped myself to the long sought after treasure!

I happily shopped some more, finding a needed few dishes I'd been wanting, in fact. They bonded with the dish rack right away. Perfect synchronicity!

Imagine my horror (and theirs) when a woman, another thrift shopper, walked up to me and informed me that was her dish drainer!!! Oh... I was tempted to tell her it was too late to separate such a well matched kitchen family. But, no... I had to be Ms. Nice Guy and let her have it.

Now another year or two will go by before I ever see the likes of that one again.

Sigh... such is life!

Monday

Just a Bit of Diary Note

I had a back procedure (spinal epidural) last Monday which I thought I could recover from by Tuesday, but it went a little bit more challenging than I expected.

This Tuesday, I have no choice but to go to Stanford to see my shrink, who is helping with new medication issues. But, at least I'm not so depressed as I was in December. Hopefully, I wont have to return to the shrink next month.

I hate missing the one thing that brings me pleasure and makes me feel like a human being and that's my writing group/class.

Well, there is another thing that brings me pleasure and that is my cats. Posting here a picture of my calico cat, Buffy, and me. I fell asleep with my glasses on!

In regard to Indiana's current cold snap


Photo by Vic Mastrogiovanni
I must admit, it's getting old
This indoor life that's caused by cold.

The dogs are crazed, my husband bored,
I'm on my knees to beg the Lord:
"Please, oh please let them go outside."
My nerves are jangled, I want to hide.

It's peace I need, I need me some!
What shall I do...where'd I hide the rum?
What is the matter, what can it be?
What's stressing my delicate sanity?

The walls are slowly coming in,
The ceiling's nearly at my chin.
The floor is closer it seems to me
The room grows smaller or it seems to be.

My husband shares a valid thought
And in the phone book finds what's sought.
A quick phone call, oh hurry please
And soon the flashing lights we see.

Two men in sparkling coats so white
Haul me into the frigid night.
They are so kind, give me a shot
And peace descends, WOW, quite a lot.

At last I'm calm and now can breathe.
They cloak me in a shirt with sleeves
That cross in back. Not stylish: sad.
At least the fit isn't quite so bad.

My husband happily calls out to me,
"Honey, the Farm is where you'll be.
I know you'll beat this Winter thing,
I'll come and get you, come this Spring."

~~~~
From the talented Indiana Guest Writer, SA Springer

(inspired by Donna and a little Dr. Seuss).

Friday

Weather Changes


Over the years I have lived many places in the United States. I grew up in Western New York... Niagara Falls, to be exact. Nasty snowstorms and thick summer humidity was the norm.

Photo by Jon Ball - Boise, Idaho
Walking to school in the snow was a delight as well as a struggle. When it was delightful, I would be late for school because I had been catching snowflakes on my mittens to examine before they melted. I would lie down in some strangers front yard to make snow angels. I would get caught in playing with other kids throwing snowballs at each other.

When the snow was not fun I would be late for school, too. Trudging through sidewalks that have not been shoveled, not daring to step into the street because a car just might hit you was a deterrent. If the wind was blowing the snow in my face, I kept my head down watching each step of my boots gloved hands in my pockets. Apparently the other kids got rides to school on those days.

At least by high school I could take the bus.

Then as a young military wife, I lived in Los Angeles, lots mini earthquakes, but nothing I worried about. Then Delaware; what a swampland! At least that was the impression I got of the place. Then, back to New York state. I live at the shores of Chautauqua Lake. Beautiful country, but lots of sub-zero winter weather. Since I lived in the country, there were no sidewalks to shovel, only the driveway. If the snow plows didn't come down my dead end road, I could drive nowhere. Snuggling down in the house, I watched the beauty of the lake through the windows.

Then, I moved back to Southern California, so hot all summer, spring, fall, winter, (you name it) and the smog. EW!

Leaving that behind I ended up in Santa Cruz, California on the Monterey Bay. I loved it there for many years but husband lost his job and we decided to be adventurous, to go where no one had gone before.. at least not us. We traveled the Southwest first, then headed to Indiana for a new job. It turned out to be a decade of what I call "My Hoosier Hell Years". Honestly, I saw more damage due to tornadoes than I ever saw from California earthquakes. (Note: I became an amateur storm chaser!) Was pretty sick there all the time with asthma because of allergies and mold. The summer humidity was harder to take than any I'd faced before. I had never had so much trouble breathing even in the Southern California smog.

Central California winter hillside in drought,
Compare to photo below
Finally, I came back to Northern California. In all my total years here, until these last few, I've never seen such drought and subsequent wild fires! The drought makes the hillsides ugly. By this time of year, after our winter rains everything is usually green and luscious. But, sadly, not this year. It's all dry tinder!

We just had a big fire recently in the wilderness of Big Sur. Thirty four homes were burned to the ground. Last summer, among other fires throughout the state, 402 square miles was burnt near Yosemite National Forest. It took a full month before the fire was contained. I don't know how many homes or livestock or people were lost. It's worrisome. A fire on the outskirts of my own town a few years back was quite threatening, too.

Just the same, I figure that no matter where someone lives there is weather phenomena that are going to be problems. Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Desert heat, Snowstorms, sub-zero temps, flooding, etc etc. But, this is home now. Earthquakes, drought, fires, mudslides. This is where I want to live out the rest of my years.

Misty view from outskirts of Watsonville, California after a bit of rain.
Strawberry field on left. Orchard on right. Mount Madonna straight ahead. 



Wednesday

36 Books I've read in 2013

Bibi n Eric Sandstrom-Kollenberg
near Santa Cruz Veterans Hall
In no particular order, these are some of the books I've read (and finished) reading this year. If I didn't finish reading a book, I didn't like it. Therefore, these are books I liked.

Twelve Years a Slave
     By Solomon Northup

Southern Fried Sushi
     By Jennifer Rogers Spinola

Here Shall I Die Ashore: Stephen Hopkins (Bermuda Castaway, Jamestown Survivor, and Mayflower Pilgrim.)
     By Caleb Johnson

Tune In Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries
     By Tim Anderson

The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie
     By Allan Goldstein

Ten Days in a Mad-House
     By Nellie Bly

Stone of Tears (The Sword of Truth #2)
     By Terry Goodkind

Love & Darts (On Impulse)
     By Nath Jones

2000 Deciduous Trees (On Impulse)
     By Nath Jones

Dance Like There's No-one Watching : Attract Happiness the Natural Way
     By Susanne Spencer

Scout's Honor (A Tale From The Deadlands)
     By Jeremy Lee Riley

Daisy - the Autobiography of a Cat
     By Miranda Eliot Swan

The Eden Prescription: The war on cancer is not what you think...
     Evers, Ethan

Breakthrough!: How the 10 Greatest Discoveries in Medicine Saved Millions and Changed Our View of the World
     Jon Queijo

Writing Life Stories: How To Make Memories Into Memoirs, Ideas Into Essays And Life Into Literature
     By Bill Roorbach

Living to Tell the Tale: A Guide to Writing Memoir
     Jane Taylor McDonnell, Vivian Gornick

Wild (From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail)
     By Cheryl Strayed

Vet Tech Tales: The Early Years (Confessions of an Animal Junkie)
Phoenix Sullivan

The Funniest Cop Stories Ever
Scott Baker and Tom Philbin

The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer
Mukherjee, Siddhartha

2:46: Aftershocks: Stories from the Japan Earthquake
William Gibson, Yoko Ono, Barry Eisler, Jake Adelstein,

The Fathers of New England: A Chronicle of the Puritan Commonwealths
Andrews, Charles McLean

New Discoveries at Jamestown: Site of the First Successful English Settlement in America
Cotter, John L., Hudson, J. Paul

The Big 5-OH!
Bricker, Sandra D.

Palm Trees on the Hudson
Tiber, Elliot

Hilda - Snow White Revisited (Hilda the Wicked Witch)
Kater, Paul

The Human Side of Cancer: Living with Hope, Coping with Uncertainty
Jimmie Holland, Sheldon Lewis

The Bookseller of Kabul
Asne Seierstad, Ingrid Christophersen

Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife
Eben Alexander III M.D.

The Son of Man
The Son of Man 2, Elders of Zion
The Son of Man 3, The Heylik
By Johnson, Charles W.

Hunger Games
Catching Fire
MockingJay
By Suzanne Collins

Saturday

A Morning Page

Today, I present Guest Writer, Thia Tsurata who follows the practice of "Morning Pages" as suggested by Julie Cameron, author of The Artist's Way.

Morning Pages are three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing,
done first thing in the morning.

This is an example of one of Thia's morning pages.

So I made up my mind that I would do this. Thanks to Aptos Writer's Group. I got the book, The Artist's Way and got going... I started the very first morning pages while visiting Mom and Frank in Montana.

Taka and Thia Tsurata
There were days after that, weeks and months, where I'd set my alarm to get up and write from 5am... and then be able to go back to bed hoping to doze off again- would loved to sleep again. However... the main idea was to be able to just wake with Taka to have breakfast together before sending him off to work. There were days, actually they felt like the middle of the night, when I'd awaken to pee and not be able to sleep again. So many nights... in the wee hours, anywhere from 3am and 5am, I'd write for an hour and take my homeopathic insomnia pills eventually with plans to sleep again. Or it'd be the nights of "dark regrets" that I knew I could spew out on these pages for my morning.

It took maybe a year before I trusted myself to get to the writing after Taka would leave for work. I'd get myself distracted too much sometimes and not really feel I was giving my pages the attention they deserved. But it's been an evolution. And I've learned to write in cars, in hotel bathrooms, while others slept, on planes... figuring out the time differences between Japan and the U.S.... two mornings in one day of looking like I missed a day on the return flight. But all I've missed has been half or a page in more than sixteen months and MAKING UP MY MIND to do this. Being ALLOWED and GETTING to do this has changed my life, my direction, my heart, my friends ... and the way I am now able to... how I am getting better able to express myself having taken this "course".

When my stepbrother this past October  asking me (another one of the many) what I'm doing now, I once again shyly... almost... really hesitantly... practically GUILTILY I try to say "Oh, well, I'm writing." Or when asked my job, I'm still uncomfortable saying I'm a writer. And stepbrother Jim, said with quite the firm conviction, "Ok so that is your job now.... so THAT is what you will spend 2-3 hours every day doing now cause it's your JOB!" And I nodded, feeling somewhat...like..."oh- yes-yes..." and beginning to feel this stirring of excitement "Yes!! My JOB now!!!"

Coincidentally....



A Little Bitty Tear Let Me Down

The other day I visited my Rhematologist for a follow up on my Sjogren's Syndrome which had been bothering me considerably, including bodily pain and exhaustion. He had given me a prescription for prednisone, which has been quite effective in making me feel better. Though I am still bothered very much by dry eye. That might not seem like a big deal to those who do not have it. But, just imagine yourself going through life with what feels like sand in your eyes, with pain and sometimes swelling of the eyelids. Not to mention your appearance is reminiscent of a bad hangover!



In my visit with the doctor, I hesitated to bring up the fact that I was disappointed the Prednisone didn't give me a "High". Usually it does, and I had been hoping for the benefits of it helping to pull me up from my recent depressive state. We discussed the fact that perhaps my depression was deeper than just a side effect of my physical condition and needed to be treated with anti-depressants instead. This made me more sad. I do have an underlying condition, and it was time for me to face needing care. Tears formed and fell down my cheeks. He handed me some tissues and said, "At least you are producing tears."

That was reassuring. I'm glad he reminded me. I had been feeling so sorry for myself. Sometimes I forget to count my blessings! Afterwards, I thought about what he said. Then wondered. If I can produce an abundant quantity of tears for the sake of crying, then why are my eyes still dry? And, then I thought, if I could just have a good cry every day, perhaps it would help my tear ducts be healthier. Of course, I began searching for information that might back up my theory.

I found the following: "There are in fact three types of tear, two of which are rather uninteresting: basal tears which lubricate and protect the eye and reflex tears which flush out irritants such as smoke particles or onion vapors. The third type of tear is, of course, shed in response to emotion, and differs from basal and reflex tears not only by its cause but also by its chemical composition, being considerably richer in certain substances such as prolactin and adrenocorticotropic hormone."

So now I wonder if because emotional tears have a different chemical composition, the idea of purposely crying every day wouldn't be beneficial. Hmmm... Is this making sense? Or is it just the hopeful wishes of a patient who wants to be in the know?

In the same article I found this: "Damage to the ophthalmic branch of the trigeminal nerve renders the surface of the eye insensitive and thereby prevents the production of reflex tears. However, it is the parasympathetic division of the facial nerve that is actually responsible for making tears, and damage to the facial nerve, as in Bell’s palsy, can lead to a decrease in tear production. Reflex and emotional tears are produced by the lacrimal gland and drained through the nasolacrimal canal into the nose."

I do NOT believe I have Bell's but I wonder if my TMJ could have an affect. Even though I have positively been identified by specialists at UCSF as having Sjogren's Syndrome, I wonder if my TMJ problems contribute to the much more troublesome dry eye problems that I experience on the right side. Perhaps if I could get appropriate treatment for the TMJ, then some of the pain and discomfort I have in the right eye could be diminished! Is my logic off? Or again, is this just wishful thinking?

And now for a little bit of fun!



Wednesday

Morris Franklyn Evans of Cattaraugus County New York

This is the elder sister of Morris Evans. Her name is Anna
Photo taken in Dover, New Hampshire circa 1908
As I was growing up, my father often reminded me that I could rely on my own inner strength, which, in his opinion, I inherited through my ancestors; particularly the ones from Wales.

Dad’s mother, Jessie, spoke the native tongue, Cymraeg. His grandfather, Morris, was the first generation American. I guess that makes me fourth generation away from “the old country”. My great-great grandparents, William and Anna Evans came to New York State about 1843, bringing two sons with them, John and William (Jr.). As far as I have been able to determine, they first settled in Schuyler, Herkimer county.

By the time Morris came along, April of 1852, his siblings, Thomas, David, Benjamin, and Mary had preceded him; after that, a younger sister, Elizabeth, known as Libby. Morris and Libby remained close all their lives.

Eventually, William and Anna moved to Cattaraugus county in western NY probably because of the railroad boom. They purchased and exchanged a great deal of land, speculating more than farming it.  They continued to speak and live in the Welsh ways.

As was common practice among his people, at the age of thirteen Morris was apprenticed out to learn a trade. His older sister, Mary, was married to a man who ran a cheese factory where Morris could have continued out his life as a cheese maker in familial job security. However, as an adult, Morris choose to become a carpenter and most of his life he worked in various aspects of the field; once, for the railroad building huge railroad bridges, especially the famous Kinzua bridge.



Saturday

December 14, 1960

A letter from Laura Wakely of Merritt Island Florida, to her best friend, Gennie Deane, living in Burt, New York.


December 14, 1960

Dearest Gennie,

Well I guess it’s time I answered your letters.

It sure has been cold for the last 2 days. But then, I guess it’s nothing compared to what you are getting up North!

Jerry and Darrell are both working for a fruit packing co. Jerry going on 2 weeks and Darrell one. It seems good to not have them under foot, but I miss my babysitter.

Roy is working from 12 AM until 8 am. So he is home all day now and it’s just like a mad house. I never get my work done. I hate it.

I was so in hopes we would be in the house by xmas. But that is another dream up in smoke. He hasn't done anything since it was plastered and tiled except make five windows and fix one closet. I guess he isn't going to. I asked him today if we couldn't buy the furnace. He says, “what with?” and we really aren't that hard up. God, he is a pinch penny. I don’t blame him for not wanting to spend all he has in the bank. But I don’t see how he can take this place either.

At least he has been home every day for nearly 2 weeks. I don’t know what happened to him. But I hope it continues

Gee, xmas will soon be here and I don’t have a bit of xmas spirit. Do you? I don’t like the holidays anymore.

Well I have all my uppers out except four and I’ve really had a time with them. My face was black and blue. This is the second week, and I’ve had enough jaw bone out to make a soup!

Well anyway they are all better now and I’m not going back until after xmas, as he said I need a rest and I agree, It sure took a heck of a lot out of me.

Dam, my feet are cold. Mr. Brandy and Princess are sleeping. That is good, as I could just take one and knock the other in the head. I don’t usually feel that way

I sure hope your problems are dissolving and your life will be happier. At the best, life is hard isn’t it? I’ve already received some xmas cards. I almost feel like Scrooge. Bah Humbug!

I haven’t seen Myrna and kids since Friday but I guess they are all fine.

I’ve got to go to the toilet and Roy is in there. Guess he has rented it. It sure look’s funny to see him stand there with the toilet seat in his one hand and Ha Ha in the other. Then, when you want to flush the dam thing, you have to reach on the back as the handle is broke. Well I hope he freezes his hand. Then maybe he will get busy. It’s been like that for about a year. Then he wonders why I bitch.

I’ve just got to get me some warmer clothes.

Wanda’s daughter is in the hospital. At first they thought she had polio or a virus infection of the spine but they still don’t know what it is. She can’t walk. Well anyway I guess she is better but still can’t walk.

I guess my husband is looking at furnaces in the catalogue. I hope he buys one, as I’m mean when I’m cold. And I’m cold.

Well I can’t think of any more this time except I love you very much, and when you are unhappy so am I. Just remember that everyone has problems.

The best way is to pray, and you really get the strength to go on. I know that the Lord is up there, and I know that it has sure helped me to keep my senses in my hum drum world because when I need Him, I can just feel Him. So, I know that He will help me, and protect me. Well, anyway, it is a wonderful feeling. And without that thought, I doubt that I could stay sane, as sometimes it’s pretty rough around here.

I don’t pray for me. I pray the Lord will just comfort me and give me strength. I'd I swear I do get strength, almost like I could feel His presence, and I know I’m not worthy. But I pray to Him a lot and hope, in my feeble way, He forgives me and loves me. I’ve never told this to anyone. But I hope you try it. Because if I couldn't have this feeling, I’d be more lost than even you was. At best, there is very little pleasure or comfort around here so, you see, I sure need something strong to cling to.

Love always
Laura and All