my Bonnie

FEVER

It's 58 degrees outside and 68 inside. I'm lying on the bed burning up. Before, I was snuggled under the covers, 2 furry blankets, one sheet under, one sheet over and the electric lap blanket in between in case I need it. Actually it's more for the cats than for me. But, then, suddenly it hits me like a menopausal hot flash, and I strip off the old puffy sweater and throw off the sheets and blankets to allow some air to circulate over my fired up skin.

Hot
Cold
Hot
Cold

Yes, I have the flu. I think. I was so sick when I started to take the Tamiflu, and so much better now. But the fever keeps returning. Or is it just metabolistic misfiring? Fever, it would seem would remain at one level for a while before making subtle changes dipping down or climbing up the degrees. One time I felt so feverish, I found the thermometer and took my temperature. I was surprised it was 95.6 degrees. How can that be? Yesterday and day before at different times it was 101. That was a bit low. Isn't normal body temperature supposed to be 98.6?

Today I felt better. Coughing takes the energy out of me. Lays me low. Not only because it is from a cold or flu, but it aggravates the asthma too. Today there is not so much trying to hold it back, feeling it in my chest waiting to bust out. No more need to hold the chest tight to keep the coughing from starting. Once it starts it just encourages more.

So, now, the legs are cold and the blankets go back on. In a little while the sweater will rejoin them. Then the whole process will start all over again. There is no happy medium. I've tried changing the number of blankets, the type of nightgown, the sweater to a night jacket. Doesn't seem to make a difference. It's always the same, or I should say.... always changing.

Photo Friday

I live in Watsonville California. Though there may be others, it is called the strawberry capitol of the world. I can understand why. Even though it is a city, it is surrounded by strawberry fields right up to the city limits, and in some cases right into the city. The population is about 50,000.

Because Watsonville was basically agrarian, the town grew up inside the fields. In order to get into or out of town, one must drive past the fields. There's no getting around it. Well, unless you want to go through the forested areas.

As you exit beautiful Highway 1 to come into town, the first view you see is the fields on the right (and left). In the picture, the field is fallow. If you look in the background you can see how the fields abut to the homes and apartments.



Strawberries are planted nearly year round, so you are likely to see one field ripe with fruit and the one next to it just begining to grow. The picture below is a fully planted Strawberry field waiting to fruit. This little dirt road will take you somewhere into the middle of the strawberry fields (on the left). That is the Mount Diablo range in the background, but known to locals as Mount Madonna.



There are two other exits from Highway 1, but the rest of the roads that leave town are more pleasant to ride along, and I often take a detour on one of those old roads. This road will take you up into the mountains and forest.





Since Watsonville is a city in the midst of rurality, some other surrounding areas include forested lands. Every year the dangers of forest fires often threaten our existence. The picture below is of Casserly Road. The trees are no longer there, as they burned a year ago in a fire that went right up to the edge of town, next to the hospital.



















This lovely Monterey tree lined road takes you out to the beach.




















I had to show the railroad tracks because all those strawberries have to get out of town on their own special transportation. Watsonville strawberries are shipped all over the world. That's the overpass of Highway 1 in the central background.

Cookies!

Many of the sites you visit every day use ad networks that sneak cookies on your computer that attempt to track your every move around the Internet. It's called "Behavioral Targeting".

Besides being creepy and invasive, these ad networks are your competition! They are selling your attention without your permission.

Throw these ad networks off your trail by deleting cookies via your web browser preferences.

Now for the good kind of cookies you wont want to delete:

A Cape Cod-style house was built in 1709, where road-weary travelers stopped halfway between Boston and New Bedford, Massachusetts. In order to travel further on people paid a toll, changed horses and ate much-welcomed home-cooked meals.

A little after two hundred years later Kenneth and Ruth Wakefield purchased that house and decided to open a lodge, calling it the Toll House Inn.

In keeping with the tradition of creating delicious homemade meals, Ruth baked for guests who stayed at the there. As she improved upon traditional Colonial recipes, Ruth's incredible desserts began attracting people from all over New England.

To learn more about this story you can visit the Nestle Toll House site, plus you will find a lot of delicious cookie recipes you wont want to delete, except, maybe, by eating them!

Photo Friday

He posed very nicely for me compared to his friends who flew away not wanting their picture taken!

PINK HATS

I have been crocheting hats for chemo patients for about a year now. I've decided to make as many pink ones as I can for this month. That way, I will have an opportunity for introducing the subject of breast cancer awareness to anyone who might see me crocheting.

Typical question: "Oh. What's that you're making?"

"I'm making hats to donate to chemo patients."

"Oh, wow! That's so cool!"

"Thank you. I'm doing them all in pink this month."

"Do you make a different color for each month?"

"No. But this month is special."

"Why is that?"

"October is breast cancer awareness month."

Maybe I'm a little late on this. Perhaps I should have done them last month so I could donate them to my oncologist's office this month! Next year, I will start early.

Ferdinand Victor Eugène Delacroix

ARE YOU IN THE PINK?

We've all had a blue day. But, have you ever had a Pink Day? How about a Pink Month?

Every year in October, for breast cancer awareness, funding is raised by individuals organizing activities such as theme parties or have a "pink day" on the job where work mates might wear pink clothing, or accessories at work. This brings home the importance of breast cancer awareness and the need for research. (and CURE!) Taking it out of the closet, putting it in the open... right on the table, so to speak, helps those affected by breast cancer. Breast cancer affects everyone, whether the realize it or not. (more on that later) The money raised is donated to the organizers' choice of breast cancer care or research programs. There are so many to from which to choose.

VERY FUNNY ! TAKE A LOOK TO THE DYING SWAN (GUY) DANCING

Mother's Memories

I was staying at my parent's house to help out after Mom's stroke and dead asleep on the couch when the phone rang.

"Mom... Mom! Turn on the TV. We're at war! We're being attacked!"

It took me a moment to realize my daughter was serious. I signaled to my father to turn on the TV and we watched in horror while mom slept in the bedroom. I told Dad to give her a tranquilizer in her morning pills, so she slept through the worst of it. Dad and I on the other hand sat there glued to the set watching the repeats of the airplanes hitting the World Trade Center. Neither of us said a word.

Worrying about Mom, prevented me to feel anything but numb and disbelieving until I got home a week later to discover that my dear friend's daughter, who worked in the WTC was on the phone with her when it happened.

She explained it to me all so matter of fact. We were talking one minute, and the next there was silence. She has a three year old little boy. My son-in-law's gonna miss her. Did I tell you my daughter was the one who bought me my computer and paid for my lessons? So, how was your visit at your mother's? I hope she's recovering well.

I had all I could do to hold myself together for her sake, but cried all the way home because, only then, did it hit me. This was real, not a movie, not a foggy dream. It happened. And there's no going back. No way to patch it up, fix things, or make it right again.

Sweetness Exists!

Came across this when I was trying to remember the goofy movie that this song premiered in. (can you guess?) This is not the original performance. This is the one I can savour, and guess what, for the first time in many, many weeks, I'm relaxed and enjoying the music and visuals. I hope you will too.

Jazzed

I am so jazzed!

My son has been away at Burning Man. He just left and in on the way back to his home in SF. Still out there in the middle of nowhere and he calls me on his cell phone to share some of the happiness he is feeling.

As a mother of an adult child, I cannot express my gratitude enough. People make jokes about Mommas who try to hold on to their kids after they've grown up, who interfere in their lives. They joke about men who are Momma's boys. So it is painful for us Mom's to hear these kinds of things. We still want a relationship. I still want a relationship with my kids, as adults. Too often they live their lives on their own, and that's okay, but there is a certain loneliness that comes with staying outside of the loop. For years with my daughter, the miles separated us, a church separated us. There were misunderstandings. I didn't know what was going on with her life, or how to be there for her when she wanted me to, and how to back off when she wanted me to.

Now of course with the internet, we all, are much more connected through facebook. My kids, my grandkids are all on it, and we read each other's posts. I get to know them better, their little quirks, their big successes, the process of their growth and more about their lives than ever before. In the process, I hope they are learning about me, too. I hope they are learning to like me more, love me more than if we were all separated as before. I felt I was the mystery mom, they mystery grandma. Even though my great grandkids are not on fb, I learn what's up with them in their daily lives through my grandkids.

So back to Burning Man homecoming. It just thrills me to be called. I wonder if I am the first. Doesn't matter really, but it makes me feel good. I can be someone to share with. I can be a support. I can be an ear to listen, and occasional an opinion to be stated. Whether it is used or not is beside the point, at least I get listened to. Perhaps it gets filed away for future use, and I know that's true, because I have seen it happen. So for all the young people out there who groan to think they don't want Mom to be in their lives, I hope they can give it another viewpoint and see that their is a possibility that a parent can be a friend of sorts. I know I can never be the same kind of friends as actual peers, but that's okay. I know I fit into another kind of slot.

So now, off the phone and him going to go get something to eat on the way home, I express my joy here and hope we can still be close.

He mentioned something about his realization that family means a lot to me, and that is why I have such a hard time grieving the death of my cat. Because she was family to me. Like a child even. Her twenty years with me were deeper. she didn't go away to school. She didn't develop an independence away from me. Yes, we clung to each other. I'm sure that if I died first, she would have grieved for me. Stopped eating maybe, walk around the house and yeowl. Not be happy at another person's home. Get withdrawn and hide in a closet or under a dresser and just want to be alone. Hmmm. that sounds a little like me.

He also mentioned he wondered how I would be if he or one of his sisters were to die, how would I react. I'm sure it would be worse. It would be harder on me than this. And I dread it. Same if Kats died. I don't know how I would manage if any of my family died. It is hard enough as it is that Keli died. I know there would be differing degrees of grief for each one. Maybe my grandchildren would be less grief for me than my own kids. At least I'm thinking it would be. And great grandkids. Though I love them dearly, perhaps less. I think it is proximity that would be part of that, and how much regular intimate communication. With Therese, I don't know. Would I feel disconnected as I do now. Don't know how to reach her as it is. A stranger practically. It seems when we do connect it is too easy for misunderstandings to form. But, then I wonder would I grieve the most because she was the one lost to me? All those years of thinking about her, wondering how she was, feeling at a loss that she was gone, wondering if there could have been anything I could have done different. Feeling guilty for my ignorance at the time, that it didn't have to be the way it turned out. Already have grieved over her for a long long time. But if she died, would my grief be based upon the fact that we never did connect in a true sense to at least be friends. She is so much like me. It would be so easy to like her, to love her, and to enjoy her in my life. would I greive so much harder because we never got to heal the wounds?

Mystery Cloud

As I came out of the thrift shop I looked at the sky and had a moment of, "oh, my". I had never seen anything like that before. Made me thing of an oppositional tornado, or reverse image, or something. I'm sure my science fiction friends or science minded friends would have a better name for it. But, I just had to stop and take a picture.

Cancer gave me the gift of life and hope through terrible sufferring

There was a time when cancer was a long drawn out time in my life with many recurrences and aftereffects that never stop.

I didn't think much of it at the time, but lately was made aware how it might have had an impact on others.

So, I wrote some friends. This is what I asked:

Were you affected by it?
Do you have one memory in particular that stands out in your mind?
Was there maybe one moment of inspiration or discouragement that came from the experience of knowing me and knowing that I had a history of cancer?
Was there some realization that came to you that touched your life?
Even if the way my cancer affected my life after I was done with the worst of it?
Did you gain some new understanding by knowing that I had that experience?

A dear old friend who I hadn't been in touch with for a while responded:

I think perhaps the most important thing to consider is the uncertainty of having a friend who is uncertain about her future. At the same time as you seemed positive that you would be alive the next year; you also seemed to be reluctant to plan very far ahead. And I suspect that you often missed opportunities in your life that would have required a long-term commitment to something beside your disease. Now I don't know you well enough to know how many of those opportunities were simply impossible because of your disease, and how often you might have used the disease as an excuse for not doing something, or how often the simple uncertainly of not knowing what the future held made it see impossible to plan ahead. But I'll bet that if you had known that you would still be here at the age you are now, after all these years, you would have planned a lot differently and would have taken advantage of more opportunities.

I was deeply touched that my old friend had these insights and it got me to thinking about them. Most definitely I would have lived my life differently if I knew that I was going to survive. But, I think I wouldn't have treasured life the way I do. I don't think I would have dared to do so many things as I have. (I didn't care if I was taking a risk, after all, I was going to die anyways, was my attitude) On the other hand, I could have completed my education, could have planned on a career, an income, a retirement fund.

I can't say I would have had a marriage that would last, or a home filled with children. I did get married a few times. Having cancer return over and over again can really stress out a marriage. Having long term medical consequences due to the cancer, but not the cancer itself, can be terribly confusing, not only to husbands, and families but friends and strangers as well.

Sure, I might be able to hiking one day, but be laid up in bed the next. Gives people conflicting messages. You know what I mean?

I actually did have a home at one point, a job, not a career, but hope that I might be able to work permanently, but those dreams were dashed. So owning a home, became owning a 1947 mobile home, if you can call it that. A trailer home is the right word for it. Beyond that never again. Always a renter. One time in a tent for a short while til a friend took me in.

For me, it's true... Home is where the heart is.

The more I think about it, I realize I am deeply touched by what my friend wrote. His insight gave me a intake of breath, and something to think about that had never occurred to me.

I don't think I ever gave much consideration to the uncertaintly that others might have felt about my own uncertainty in making plans. Though, I think I had grown used to being aware that some others cut off being friends because I couldn't always keep a date to do things with them. Plans for out to breakfast or a movie, or whatever, often had to be cancelled on a moment's notice simply because all of a sudden I didn't feel well. And that doesn't always win friends who want to someone reliable. Not everyone understood the fluctuations in my health. Usually whenever anyone saw me in public, I looked okay, so because I wasn't seen as unwell, it was hard to believe there were times when I couldn't function. And of course I seldom went out when I wasn't well, so no one ever really saw me that way. They just couldn't make the connection.

One thing I have no regrets about is, even though I wasn't certain about the long term future, it just made me live for the moment, and take every opportunity I would not have considered in the past, had I been without the long term history of cancer.

It turns out having cancer became a gift for me. Gave me rights and freedoms, I never would have considered before I had cancer. Sometimes I took chances with my life that were dangerous as I mentioned earlier. Mountain climbing in a rural area in high heat, with a camera taking, lots of film but no water. What was I thinking? I just wanted to capture beauty on film. But without sufficient water? Stupid, yes. But at that moment when doctors were telling me to stay home and wait it out, I felt I had nothing to lose but my life, and damn it, I'd rather go the exciting way. Why stay home in bed to die, if I can help it? Get out and DO something! If there is a will, there is a way, they say. I could barely walk that day, had to use a cane. But, it was worth every struggling step, every drop of sweat, and the joy of seeing my child explore the wilderness, while Mommy poked along. Don't worry, he knew not to wander off.

Of course, there were those days when all I could do was just lie abed and just wish I could be somewhere else. But, those days have their own special qualities, too. Some not so great. But, there's always something to gather from ones' experiences. Don't you think? One can learn from the "negatives".

My dear friend was right about my having missed opportunities in life I didn't always have a nagging feeling maybe I wouldn't be around long enough to meet a goal, any goal. That's why I never had a career, though I had a plethora of jobs and volunteering, and going back to school under auspices of Vocational Rehabilitation, in order to return to work. Imagine my disappointment in learning I had a return of tumor to put the kabosh (sp) on it all. I had taken the pre-requisites for medical school, Well almost.... still missing a few credits. If I had firm hope, perhaps I would have gone back and finished, but I did not.

Then, there were all those years I just kept going to school for the sheer sake of the joy of learning, regardless of outcome. I changed majors constantly so I wouldn't have to graduate. I could do that here in CA, don't know if it can be done elsewhere.

My life always seems incomplete. I feel everything has been interrupted. Hopes and plans are not allowed. Keep everything short term. That's the way to live my life, because you never know when cancer is going to come back and change all your ideas, change your geography, change your group of friends.

There's a few things I do wish I could have done. Have my artwork known, and published, for example. I've written a lot over the years but never disciplined enough to polish anything off. Besides, starting things is what I do. There is no promise of fulfillment. So, the starting of things is fulfillment enough. I have so many unfinished stories, a collection of unmatched poetry, a ton of diaries, so many different styles of artwork..... nothing finished.... nothing finessed.... incomplete.

If I still have one thing I'd like to do, I'd write my autobiography. Well, in a way I do that anyway, but I wish it could become published and make an impression on other people's lives.

"Did you read that book about the woman who had cancer, lost one of her kids to adoption, had all those failed marriages with men who couldn't deal with her illness? Wasn't it amazing how she learned to walk, when they said she couldn't? And she's still alive after all this time. Her cancer was so rare. I've never even heard of it. Have you? What was it called anyways? I forget. But, I will never forget that book!"

Pipe dreams. I'm not a celebrity. It wouldn't sell. Blah! Still I write, though not well organized.

And still, there is so much more to write..... Maybe here is good enough.