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Make yourself at home. Put your feet up. Grab your favorite beverage and prepare to enjoy the reads.
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Showing posts with label Journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journal. Show all posts

Tuesday

What an 80 year old woman can do

Liz Valencia
Ballet Folklorico Dancer
I had agreed to go to Costco with my new friend, a retired nun, teacher and seamstress. She's a very talented woman. She had a stroke last year so she tires out easily. That makes us compatible shopping partners!

It wasn't too long that we were in Costco when I began to run out of energy. I find that happens more when I have increased pain. I didn't have too much pain before we started, but things got so much worse. That's been happening more this last year or so! I was so glad she understood that I couldn't continue shopping.

I don't have a membership with Costco. It would really save money. I was so happy with what I found and the money I saved.

On the way home we saw a yard sale and stopped. The woman had an Osterizer.  I had been wanting one. I'd like to get a juicer some day too. But, for right now, I can make smoothies in this one. I got it for $8.

We were only gone four hours, but I was exhausted when we got back. So I went to lie down in bed for a while. It's more restful and refreshing than the couch.

Then I remembered the neighbor across the street, Her name is Liz. She is 80 years old and had her hip replaced in January. She danced Ballet Folklorico, a style of Mexican dancing up until then. Very ambitious and active woman.

Yesterday, I had promised Liz to go walking with her, but at the time I was too exhausted from having my osteoporosis IV injection then, so I didn't go.

Since I had my second wind, I just had to keep my promise today. It was cold out. I asked Liz to turn around and go back when I began to feel more pain and loss of energy. She went back home with me, then went off on her own to finish her lengthy walk. Then, I absolutely had to lay down and have been resting for hours since then. I wish I had her health and energy. Plus, her positive attitude. It's so incredible to think this woman is 80 years old!

Note from the future, 2016:  It was just a few months after this that I was diagnosed with Leukemia. No wonder I had so much pain and was so exhausted.

Saturday

From Personal Journal

I'm overwhelmed today. I woke up feeling sad. Didn't even have the sleep gone from my eyes and all I wanted to do was cry. Well, crying is not my thing. It's too hard on me due to my asthma. It just stirs it up and makes things worse. So, a long time ago I learned to suppress crying. Or should I say? Sobbing.

When my kitty died two and a half years ago I awoke every day with this same kind of feeling. Just before falling asleep the sadness arose every night, too. My grief was over the top. Eventually, after adopting four kitties, they have kept me so busy that morning/evening sadness left me.

So, here it is, again. Same feelings. Different reason.

Obviously it is finally hitting me. I've been too busy and stressed out, going through all the tests and doctor's appointments. Today I'll be by myself. Nothing to do. No appointments. No having to drive anywhere. No relating to other people. Just me and my cats. Naturally my body knows this and has triggered letting these suppressed feelings out.

So perhaps today I will wallow a little bit.

Sunday

Down the Well of Darkness

I've been sliding through life in a gray zone for many months. It's a sticky kind of slide, though. It stops me in my tracks whenever I get some kind of momentum going in my thoughts or actions. Then I fizzle out and the numbness becomes the gray.


I asked for help from a professional who had connections. She pulled her strings and got me in to see a very important man who used the opportunity to have one of his students take her exam by having her do the interview. I accepted that. After all, his expertise and knowledge would be present observing both of us. 


I guess I appear too normal when I'm gray. My flatness indicated to him that I was stable and didn't need any help. He didn't tell me that himself. I only learned later.


I've lived long enough to know what comes next, and here it is born upon me again. It starts with diffuse dreams of sadness that prevent a full night's sleep. I awaken so early that I ask myself, "What are you doing up?" Before the realization hits me, I feel it in my body. I don't need my rational mind to tell me. There it is, that unrelenting greif that has no reality. 


When they speak of anguish, I think of some poor woman who's husband and child have tragically died. When she learns of it she feels her body turn inside out. That's what I feel, even though my loved ones are healthy and safe and all is well. Yet that inner twistedness wrings me out. It's a wet rag clotting my throat, squeezing out the moisture on the edge of my lashes with no release. If I don't guard my soul like a warrior, I would be on the floor curled, lifeless and dark.


I've learned to ride it out, just like the flat gray numbness. But, it's now flat. It sinks down. And so I hang on to the rope hung over the well of greatness about to swallow me up. Is it my grip on that rope giving me those sensations of ants crawling on my face? Or is it just my face reaching for the sunlight peeping lightly in the high distance? 


I know where this leads. I've been on this journey before, too many times. I want out. But, the slimy walls are lumpy and hard, too straight up to give me impetus to climb. I cannot let go of the rope. I must hang on.


I seek an appointment with the new family doctor. Only one intake behind us, will she believe the desperation I cannot explain? She does, but hesitates. Blood tests must be done first. I must hold on a little longer.

Monday

Can you prove who you are without a shadow of a doubt

Can you prove who you are without a shadow of a doubt? Are you a citizen of the country you live in? Are you a citizen of another country? Do you have dual citizenship? Do you have adequate documentation?

I just recently received a letter from a government agency demanding that I provide evidence of my citizenship. Easy thing to do. Right? Just produce an original or certified birth certificate, not a photocopy, they say.

There's a problem with this. I can contact the birth records department for the state I was born in. I can ask for a copy of my birth certificate. But, I will need to provide either a credit card or send a check to pay for my copy. I doubt they will be accepted as my present name is not the one I was given at birth.

I completely changed my full name  by a common law practice of assuming a new name, registering it with social security, driver's license and bank. It was easy to do back then, and quite acceptable. That was nearly 30 years ago. It is my understanding that I would need to go to court to have it changed. Which brings us back to proving who I once was.

Presuming that I cannot receive a certified copy of my birth certificate, I have slim options. I am only allowed to have one affidavit signed by a family member stating that they knew me to be who I claim to be I once was and they knew me when I changed my name to who I am now.

I would be surprised if there many facing the same issue on this level. How many old hippies changed there name the way I did?

I would need another affidavit signed by an unrelated person who can prove their own citizenship stating they knew me before and after. I haven't stayed in touch with childhood friends. That leaves my Ex-Husband. Hmmm... I wonder where he lives now. If I found him would he be willing to sign an affidavit that he knew my name was one thing and then I changed it to another.

What amazes me about this requirement is how it could possibly be acceptable proof of my citizenship, based upon another person's say so. Some dishonest people may have an easy time of doing this. It bothers me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: I wrote this several months ago. I did not want to publish it until I received my new birth certificate with my new name, which I now have.

Wednesday

Slow but Steady Wins the Race

Awoke again with no pain, on just five hours sleep. I just can't fall asleep easily right now. I don't any racing thoughts or things on my mind like some people suggest is what happens when one has insomnia. My body gets comfortable and I just lay there semi-dosing waiting to drop off. I would have slept in a little to make up for it, but had NPO blood work to be drawn, so headed over to my regular doctor. She is an Oncologist and Internal Medicine specialist. So, whether or not I have active disease she takes care of most of my needs. 

Her partner was there today and came out to say hello during the blood draw. (this really is small-town medical practice). So, I asked if he ever gets Sarcoma patients, to which he answered, yes. He presently has three. So I told him about Team Sarcoma and my plans of getting myself stronger so that I can participate. Then, told him that I wanted to find ways to get Sarcoma Awareness out there in the community. He immediately ticked off a number of suggestions on his fingertips, and was very happy to hear more. I couldn't write down his ideas. Darned blood draws anyways! But, he suggested I send an email outlining the whole program. I would like to find someone in my community who can let their fingers do the walking around here, and get me some opportunities to connect with people for Sarcoma Awareness!

There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to take care of myself, the chondrosarcoma group and trying to set up a community network. But, I keep in my mind some words of wisdom I once learned: "Slow but steady wins the race." (said the Tortoise to the Hare.)

After returning home, I had to lie down for a while. This happens sporadically for me. I just know... that's it... time to lie down. Once I did that, I realized my right foot was ice cold. This happens and I don't know why. The lack of pelvic floor muscles? Pressure upon veins? I don't know. If I ignore it the whole leg becomes cold, and that gets painful. I don't like to take pain drugs, if I can handle it without them. So I keep reclined, warm my foot with the heating pad, and when it feels better, get up.

After I felt better I headed off to the local outdoor shopping mall and walked the sidewalk, which goes from the end of Target to beyond the grocery store with a number of shops in between. I began in the middle so I could walk one direction and come back. If too tired, I would get in car and go home. But, I kept on going to the end and returned. In the meantime, I made one walk through the whole perimeter of Target. I took a cart to "lean on" as that has been what I do when I use my walker, substitute cart for walker. I was getting tired (actually achy) enough that it helped to have the cart to stabilize me. I didn't shop, though it was tempting. I was just there to do my walk, with only one poky stop in the socks department. I did notice that when I slowed down or stopped that pain hit my Sacroiliac joint. Now I realize why shopping is such a drag for me. Well, other reasons, too. I just hate it when kids who have lost their parents have a basketball and stand at each end of the aisle hurling it back and forth like a missile. Then there are little kids in a cart who are leaning out screaming to reach Mama, who has her back turned. 

I usually like to shop after hours!

The absolute most amazing thing happened today!!! I had been thinking about wearing a T-shirt while I am out walking that has something about Sarcoma on it, so maybe it would trigger someone to ask me, "What's sarcoma?"

I tossed around some slogans:

Tame Sarcoma with Team Sarcoma What's Sarcoma? Just ask me.

But, finally I settled on: "Got Sarcoma?"

You know, like that ad that says, "Got Milk?" My Japanese sweetheart has a bumper sticker that says, "Got sushi?"

I figured wearing a shirt that says "Got Sarcoma?" At least those who have had it or know someone who has will have a comment to make, and therefore, I will have a lead to help create Sarcoma Awareness. Who knows maybe Oprah will see me and donate big time. Because, after all her House Designer guy, Nate Berkus did a re-design for Ty Bassett who had been amputated due to synovial cell sarcoma.

Hey Oprah, don't you wish sarcoma patients had a cure? You can make it happen!

Okay, nevermind, let's get back to the awesome coincidence and the T-shirt story. I looked in the yellow pages in the hopes of finding a T-shirt place. Lo and behold, there was one right here in Watsonville. So, I called, and the owner answered. Conversation went like this:

Hi, this is Doug.
 
Hi. I am wondering if I can get a shirt with a logo on it.

Do you mean one shirt?

Yes.

We don't do one shirt orders. We make many at one time. Like for charities and organizations and so on.

Oh, darn. I was hopin'..

Well, it would be very expensive for just one.

I just want one. If it isn't too expensive. It is sort of for charity... for cancer.

Well, what would you want imprinted.

You know the slogan: "Got Milk?" I want a slogan that says, "Got Sarcoma?" because I....

Sarcoma? Why Sarcoma? His voice changed at this, and I suspected he knew the word that most don't.

Well, I had it and survived, and now I am getting ready to do a fund raising event and...
 
My dog's got sarcoma!!! She was just diagnosed 3 weeks ago!
Now I understood the unmistakable catch in his voice and the conversation was no longer about T-shirts.

We spoke a longer about the Sarcoma patient support groups online, and even the fact that there is one for dogs with cancers, and that dogs and cats are, or have been, members of my Chondrosarcoma group. By the time we got off the phone I would like to think that Doug has a bit of hope for a little while longer for his dog. I will stay in touch with him, even though he told me it would be easier to go to kinkos and get an iron on transfer made. Thanks Doug!!

You may think I am crazy for allowing pets to be members of my support group. Or to acknowledge them as Sarcoma Patients. I can't help myself. I was once told that the reason my surgeon was able to perform my internal hemipelvectomy on me (back in 1967) was because dogs had been used to perfect the surgery. So, in a roundabout way, I owe my life to a dog. So, why wouldn't I let them (or their people) join my group?

I don't think they experiment on dogs anymore for sarcoma. But, if they do, then they might have a cure sooner than humans will.
So, needless to say, today's walk is ALSO, dedicated to five year old Tina, the dog who has sarcoma in her throat, has had surgery, and presently is undergoing chemotherapy. May she have many more healthy years.


Because I still didn't find my pedometer, I just timed it. I was able to walk for 50 minutes