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14 pounds of Meat

Imagine my shock today when I went to the doctor. Her assistant welcomes me. I follow him back down the hall and he tells me to hang my purse here, put my sweater there. I'm happy to oblige. Purse on hook. Sweater on chair. Then, he says, "step up on the scale".

This is not the part that I like. In fact, I prefer to not face the weight. Can't I just get on there backwards and not know the numbers? After all, I already know what they are, or at least the ball park figure, and that's what I got, a figure as big as a ball park. Just the same, this cute young man wanted me to get on the scale and so I did, mumbling the last remembered poundage from last visit to save him the trouble.

Imagine my surprise when there is now an unexpected drop in my weight. I have lost 14 pounds since the last visit in October. He congratulated me as if I were a contestant on the Biggest Loser. Suddenly, there were several staff people mulling around, also offering their praise. What? do they stand in the hall waiting for that momentous moment? It's an Oncologist's office, for heaven's sake! What do they do with the chemo patients who have lost 14 pounds in one week? Commiserate? or maybe, quietly sneak away, shaking their heads?

I'm not complaining about their attention. It gave me a clear picture that I mean a lot more to these people then I ever imagined. We know each other from over ten years, now. I will have to bring them all some candy, well, okay, some flowers.

Even Dr. C, heard the fuss in the hall and came out to see what was going on. A big smile on her face, a nod of her head and a wave as she went by. I don't know why I felt embarrassed.

The uptake on all this is that I have this evil judge living inside my head. Oh, you got one too? Yeah, well Judgy, is not to be mistaken for Judge Judy, she's so much nicer.

Judgy nudges me in all my glory and says, "What are you happy about? Knock that off! You don't have a right to be happy. You didn't do anything. You don't deserve these kudos. You can't take credit for losing this weight! It just happened by accident. You didn't count calories, or fat, or protein. you didn't eat a balanced diet. You didn't give a hoot about the quality of your nutritional intake. You certainly didn't EXERCISE!!! Lazy Bitch! This is just an illusion. There's something wrong with their scale."

It's not that Judgy hollers, it's just the fervent insistence that penetrates my usual block out mechanisms. She's right. I didn't do anything, I did work to lose the weight. It just happened. A trick of fate? Sudden water loss? I don't deserve to pat myself on the back for something I didn't earn.

I feel like a phony, a fake. I feel I've mislead all these wonderful supportive people by being a false weight loss person. I'm happy to have lost the weight. I hope it stays this way.

How did that happen, anyway? How did fourteen pounds of meat disappear from my body, just like that?

This is not what you're thinking. This is a beautiful beef tenderloin. Yes, symbolically it might represent the subject for today, but I wanted to turn this into something positive. So I highly recommend if you have a hungry omnivore craving you will find the most delicious recipe at this link.

It's my Bambi Girl starring...


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